I Fucked Her

Episode 2

She come dey look me for face, na small small her eyes wan go where my dicckk just pam for inside where the dicckk dey frustrate dey stretch imself. I just carry style do like say I wan fold my hands for front make she talk wetin she wan talk make I go continue my work. Na so I adjust my face like say I be the most serious person for this world. My mind walai, dey recite psalms and hymns make the preek go down but for where?
“I want you to check my mailbox, there is an an attachment there. Print it for me.”
Na so I nod head waka comot from her office o. I no wan hear say person poo come ask me make I smell am. I know my pidgin English is really difficult to comprehend but how will I put it for you guys to understand my feelings better.

I went back to my table, opened yahoomail and logged in Madam’s account. It was filled with more than a million emails. Most of which were sent by scammers. I wonder why them crazy scammers would want to scam someone who is a lady and still use,
“I am Miss Trisha P. I lost my father in the war in senegal and he left 200 Billion Dollars for me”

Seriously, it is foolish to scam someone with such a huge amount of money. I can’t fall for such scamming. Instead I will fall for far lesser amount.

“Kpulup”
If you use facebook well, you will understand this sound. I always have my earpiece on my ears whenever I’m in front of the system. This is to alert me whenever there is a message. I jumped madam’s task and browsed facebook.
“New Message from Perpetual”
Was boldly displayed on the tab above. Hmmmm… Great. I quickly clicked in order to see the message.
“Hi”

The message read. I was confused o. Is it that this babe has fallen for me? Hmm… I am not priding myself as handsome o, but I have one weapon. Being fair. You know, your colour can break barriers. Yeah, put 6 people and let one be fair among them. You will notice the fair person first. Such was it o. I chose only dark guys as friends so babes will always see me. Kapish?
“Hallo”

I did not wait for her to reply, I quickly composed this and sent…

“I dreamed that power was given to me. I was meant to do something with it but with all the power something still lacked.”
I stopped there.
“Are you a poet?”

She asked me. Bingo!!! Yellow fineboy and also a poet, you see combination? I only hid the being a Writer aspect from her.
“I won’t say yes but looking at your pictures inspire me. I could become the president of Nigeria by just meditating on your pictures”
I replied.

“Haaaaaaa… You are flattering me oo”
She screamed-typed.
“Me? No o. I am saying the truth as was just revealed to me by an angel just now. He said you left them in heaven and he has been sent to monitor you. Guess what?”
I typed.

“….Wat (with a sq££zed faced emoticon)
“He said I am the right person for you”
I typed back. Next thing I saw on the screen was…
“OK.. Bye!!!”
Yeah… Una know the reaction. I was shocked and for once, regretted being a poet. If only I had known
I just dey look blankly at my screen. What happened? What did I say wrong? Well, I shrugged and went back to checking Madam’s mailbox. I printed what she wanted and took it to her. She smiled, collected it and told me to be careful with women. Since she was the superior and na Madam-Staff relationship, I just muttered OK and walked back to my table.

My day was as spoilt as rotten egg, the computer self was looking at me with a scowl on its face. Na small, I for break am but I no get anger problem like Sexkillz, so I just maintain. I was in that state when my phone started ringing. I looked at the screen and discovered it was a new number. I had never seen it before. Ok, let me break it down for you guys.

NPA, Nigeria Players Association, back me up on this. I have multiple girls that gives me toto when ever I am conjigated. Now, calls come in all the time and I have to be on the safer side. How do I achieve this? I don’t save their numbers with names. All I do is look hard at the digits and the combination gets into my brain. Me I sabi cram o but I no too good for maths. Another thing, I call everybody baby. Even if I am speaking to my sister on the phone, the moment I pick it up, I say…

“Baby, what’s up?”
So the babes just get used to it.
“Hello, Attai on the line”
I do this most time to avoid saying hello and passing through interrogations o.
“Hy, it’s me”
Celine Dion na learner where this voice dey o. I opened my mouth but not a sound came out. I was trying to process the musical notes I had just heard into words.
“Sorry please. Who?”
I was fuuccking polite. Who knows, it could be Agbani Darego calling.
“Perpetual”

Now I was more stunned than any stunned person. My brain went into hyper-drive, I needed ideas.
“Yeahhhhhhhhhh…”

I cleared my throat.
“Your voice sounds different”
I said into my mouth-piece.
“Yeah, I had cough that day”
Kai… Now I gats play my ball well.
“If the voice I heard that day had cough, this is just recovering from cough, what happens when you recover fully?”
She laughed silently. That blew my breath away.
“You are funny and I like you.”
Una know the rest na….