Episode 1

“”Ushhhhhhhh… Ashhhhh”…. Take it easy, you are hurting me.”

She sang into my ears.

What I heard was:
“Do it faster, I need it faster… Harder!!!”
Me just stepped on the pedal and pumped away. I was hitting her deeply, paying with her inner cacus. The s£nsat!on I was receiving was really worth all the suffering I had gone through just to get her.
“I will sue you for Molesting me o”
She said breathlessly as I turned her round and began the canine style on her. Sue who? Me? She never jam. I would be the first to sue her. I know you guys might think I am crazy, but I am not. Oya, let me rewind it so you will know why I would want to sue her.

I had met her in an internet cafe. I was already done browsing but the time still remained. Internet cafe these days no longer install that software that automatically shuts you down when your time is over. It was really that good.

I lifted my head to look at the cafe attendant, just to determine his position. He was seated concentrating. Lol, my mind went back to when I was a cafe attendant. All my spare time were used in watching por’n online. I believed that was the exact thing he was doing.

“How much is 30 minutes”
I heard a lovely voice said. I looked up again to behold the loveliest face I had ever seen. She was not fat and was also not on the slim side. Just my exact kind of woman. I was perplexed. Now, I wanted to approach her but my liver had ran away from my body. It was just me, I and my world.

She had settled down after purchasing an hour of browsing time. I was watching her. The first place she entered was facebook. I was excited. I peeped and saw her name, searched for her immediately and added her. She received me almost immediately. I sent her a message.

“Hi, can I have your number please?”
She replied.

Bleep it. I was trying to put words together in my head when…

“Oga, you time don finish o.”
Chineke. No problem. I was happy I had established contact. What remains is to go through her ABOUT and and find out if her number is there.

I got home and could not sleep. I could not even eat and I had sweat pouring all over me. Wait, no mind that statement there, I am only trying to sound poetic. I ate all I wanted, had a perfect dream and was so relaxed my sweat glands began protesting.

All through, I was busy thinking about this girl. Her beautiful features. Her smile, don’t ask me how I got to know how her smile looks. Owk, I will tell you. When I requested for her number, she looked at me and smiled. Which green light green pass wetin she gimme abeg?

I got to the office on Monday morning and quickly went to the history of our chats. Like say we even chat many self. I clicked on her name and whoosaa, her page flew open. I did the first thing. Scroll through her pictures. They were all stuning and I was busy clapping in my mind. I had landed jackpot.
“Attai, why are you smiling like a fish na?”
My colleague asked me. I looked at him. He was always this pastor type and me was always thinking and feeling that he is a virgin. Lol, a man being a virgin.

“O boy, na one babe wey I hammer o. Her own don finish”
I replied him.

“See, Attai, you need to change. Following women is not good. You have a bright future ahead of you.”
He advised.

“See this man. Tell me say you no fuucckk pass me for your past life na”
I asked him.
He just shook his head and wanted to walk away. I stopped him with my speech.
“If na Jesus now, him no go give up on me like you just do o. Your hell fire go so hot pass my own because I go lay allegations for your head on judgment day wella”
I said. He shook his head the more, like he was planning to clear it.
“Attai, may God forgive you”
And in the catholic fashion, I replied..
“And also you”.

Now that is bad. I kept looking at the pictures, imagining her lying on the bed Unclad. Her would her Kitty-Cat look like? Kai, I was already fuucckking her before I got my hands on her. My dicckk from all those thoughts had become as hard as iron and I ws sweating under the AC. See me o. Me wey no sweat before, na me wan begin sweat now, no lele sha.

“Attai, madam dey call you”
Me? Yesu, I don enter. How I wan carry go face that woman now. See as my pole wire just tanda dey salute my tight plain trouser. No ask me o, I dey like make my trousers dey hug me sometimes. Sha, the girls for my office don teach me lesson. Anytime them see me, na to dey look my preek.
“Ma, you sent for me”

I spoke in my oyibo-film induced English. Who would not want to impress an American-trained professional? Her English self and the way she dey carry talk am make me know say Ishilove and Princesa still dey kindergarten for Use of English.
“Yes I did”

Imagine say na Queen Elizabeth dey yan this one. You know how Englishmen dey speak their English na. That kind Harry Potter them. Well, Naija women wey school for America dey speak Britannica, me wey school for Kano and don watch all the American gangster movies must speak like them na.

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