The Man Wey Reason

Episode 36

“the whole money na 25k, how we go take share am” Bigie said on our way to board a bus to take us home. “when we reach house, we go know how we go share am” said Man.

It was getting dark. The darkness couldn’t hide the fact that i smelled like a S’kunk. I was wet also.

“something dey smell” Tupac noticed as he walked shoulder to shoulder with me. “na all this dustbin wey dey for road, this market too dirty” I said and Brainbox giggled.

A seat by the window was it, so i gently went to seat close to the window at the extreme of the bus we boarded.

“make una come sidon for here na” I was beckoning my friends to come seat on the empty seats beside me.

“no worry make we sidon here, only u sidon there” Brainbox replied and they all laughed.

“why una dey laugh na, wetin funny?” I inquired what fuelled their laughter the more.

Had Brainbox told the others that i fell on urine? I asked myself.

I could still feel slight peppery sentation in my d’ick, although it was diminishing gradually.

The “fragrance” that emanated from my shirt smelled like the fragrance a He-goat produces.

Or were they rearing Goats in that shop? I asked myself.

My wish at that moment was for nobody to come seat by my side. That wasn’t possible, unless of course i was ready to pay for the empty seats.

Even if somebody would seat by my side, atleast not a female.

A female it was, a beautiful one at that.

Not just beautiful, but Big and Beautiful.

The females that followed behind her were of her kind.

Call them Plus size, call them Orobo, call them Fat, call them Chubby, it is left for you. But for me, i would prefer to call them Heavy Duty because as the three of them sat, it seemed the bus tyre deflated.

Not only that, as they sat, they practically mangled me towards the window, that i could barely breathe.

The cloud was about to cry, as i could hear low thundering sounds from afar.

I took a quick glimpse at the faces of the Ladies to notice that just two of them were beautiful; the one by my side, and the one at the extreme. The one at the middle could be best described as a Mother Frog.

The right arm of my shirt was soaked with urine and it was wetting the dress of the beautiful Heavy duty that sat beside me. She didn’t even notice.

What she noticed was the stench of Urine that came from my direction. And she looked away.

“uuuuuuuhnnnn! Piss dey smell for here” The heavy duty at the extreme said. I was surprised such beautiful Lady spoke Pidgin.

“who dey piss for bed here” The Mother Frog at the middle said and every passenger laughed.

“you dey Mad, na your Papa dey piss for bed” I almost said.

Immediately the bus Ignition came on, it started drizzling.

From drizzling, it started raining heavily.

Saying it rained Cats and Dogs that night is an understatement, it rained Elephants and Cows.

All the windows were shut and the urine odour was suffocating.

“uuuuuuuhnnn! Person go wan piss, na for him clothe him go piss, like say him be small pekin” The Mother Frog said what made the whole passengers laughed out loud. She was really a comedian, i guessed God gave her that talent to console her for her U’gliness. She would definately give Lepacious Bose a run for her money if she harness the talent rightly.

Suddenly, i felt a drop of water rested on my head.

From one drop to several drops. I looked up and several drops of water landed into my eyes that blurred my vission.

As i moved my face towards the Heavy Duties, the drops of water that entered my eyes came running down my chin, making it look as if i was crying.

“see this Bros dey cry because of the piss wey dey smell, person wey piss for body shebi you don see wetin you cause?” The Mother Frog teased and everyone laughed. My friends even laughed most.

The water as now running fast to my head. The water on my head was overflowing to my face, making me look like an Ostrich that just took it’s bath.

“Conductor una motor dey lick na” I complained.

“no vex, take this rag put for the place wey dey lick” The bus Conductor offered me a very dirty rag that i rejected.

“make him use him hand hold the rag for up abi, you no know say him hand go pain am, you no get sense oh, you dey Mad oh” That was Brainbox abusing the Bus Conductor.

“na your Papa dey Mad, Otu Nne gi” The Bus Conductor returned.

“Otu Nne gi” is an abuse that literally means Your Mother’s Kpormor. Of course you know the Kpormor i mean.

One thing led to another and Brainbox let out a punch to the Bus conductor’s jaw.

The Bus conductor also let out a punch that was meant for Brainbox but landed on Man’s left eye.

Had Man and Brainbox earlier told me they were the younger brothers of Mike Tyson and Evander Hollifield respectively, I wouldn’t had believed. That night i believed they could knockout the Great Ali within two Rounds as i saw the heavy punches they let out.

The punches flew from different directions to the face of the bus conductor. I and other passengers pleaded, all to no avail.

Brainbox stood up, and as he sent out a headbutt to the bus conductor, he swayed and Brainbox head struck the door of the bus.

There is what is called “Koko” in Pidgin. Let me break it down, Koko means what swells forming a mountain curve when your head or any part of your body is struck on a hard surface.

I saw Koko grew close to Brainbox’s right eye. Another Koko grew as the Bus conductor struck a stick on his forehead. Brainbox was beginning to look like a Monster.

There was Stampede and Chaos in the bus and i could hear one of the Heavy duties that sat close to me let out a fart that vibrated the seat i sat.

The bus driver brought the bus to a stop yelling that those that were fighting should alight from the bus.

“abi una wan fight, make una come down, i go show una wetin make them dey call me Chop bottle” The Bus conductor threatened.

At that moment, i noticed that Man was muttering some words. Was he crying? I asked myself.

“Flow make una come down make we show this conductor pepper” Brainbox beckoned.

“una go hear am today, na me get this place wey una stand, Mechanic village na my area” The Bus conductor threatened and we alight from the bus.

I looked around and noticed where we stood was Mechanic village. The dreaded Mechanic village.

Mechanic village was a shanty settlement where Mechanical Engineers lived.

I prefer to call them Mechanical Engineers because they were expert in the field of Roadside Mechanicology. They could practically perform surgical operations on cars. Infact, i can beat my chest and say they can bring back life to a dead car, be it Bus, be it Truck, be it Lorry.

But they had a minus, they were all touts. And fighting was their hubbies. Call them street fighters and you are not far from the truth.

It was still raining, although it had reduced. The air outside was cold.

Brainbox let out a hard push to the chest of the bus conductor and the bus conductor replied him with a punch to his Solar plexus. I had sound as if Brainbox ribs were cracking.

At that moment, the bus driver zoomed off leaving his conductor to carry his cross.

I noticed Man kept calm and continued muttering what sounded like Hausa.

“Eze make una show, dem this boys want fight, make una come make we show dem pepper” Chop bottle the bus conductor was calling his friends that were under a shade smoking weed.

I needed not to be shown any other pepper, i had seen enough of pepper that day.

I noticed that Bigie held two big stones ready for battle. I turned round to see that Tupac was nowhere to be found. “where Tupac na?” I asked myself.

It instantly dawned on me that Tupac went with the bus. Ah! Tupac was so Lily livered that a five year old boy could beat the living daylight off him.

“na me una wan fight abi, I go show una say na me be the person wey dem dey call Chop bottle, and i be Mechanic Village boy” Chop bottle threatened taking steps backwards beckoning his friends to hurry.

“ur name na Chop bottle, u never chop bottle before, but this my friend don Chop bottle and Razor blade” I pointed at Man who was still muttering. Man’s left eye was burgundy.

I saw three hefty guys came to say “Hello” to us, each with a bottle.

“so na una wan fight abi?” One of the guys said.

“no oh, i no follow them oh” I almost said.

That was when it dawned on me that we were in for it.

“gbooooooaaaaaaar!!” One of the hefty guys smashed a bottle on the floor making my heartbeat read 20beats per second.

The bus conductor quickly dipped the bunch of money he held into his pocket, and he attacked Brainbox.

Bigie attacked one of the guys with the bottle. Lucky enough, the person he attacked was with a bottle that had not been broken.

“gboooooooaaaaaar!!” Another guy smashed the bottle he held making my heartbeat read 30beats per second. And that was the guy i was supposed to attack.

In Taekwondo martial Art, we were taught by our Sabonim that if we want to disarm a person with a weapon, we should sway to different directions swiftly, that if we notice the person’s vision becomes unsteady, we could easily collect the weapon, smartly though.

In Pidgin to sway that way is called “Turn-turn corner, Aeroplane corner”.

That was what i started doing and it seemed it was working. I did that keeping my guard.

“come fight na, you dey fear?” The guy said.

“you come na, you dey fear?” I replied.

The more he came closer to me, the more i swayed to different directions of the ring.

Ring i said because our Sabonim once told us that we should assume every fighting spot as a Ring.

The theory of the Great Mohammed Ali in his vibrant years was; “if you don’t come to me, i will not come to you, but if you come to me, i will sting you”. I was waiting for him to come and recieve a sting.

Ali’s famous cliche goes; “I Float like a Butterfly and sting like a Bee”. That was exactly what i did, or rather in my case, “I Flow like a Butterfly and sting like a Bee”.

So i stung him like a Bee with a punch to his chin, that was after i had kicked the bottle off his hand.

I lost focus in the fight and it almost cost me a serious dental harm.

Omoh mehn! The guy let out a punch to my mouth, that i thought i had lost my 32 teeth.

The next punch came to my right eye that i saw birds flew round my head.

That punch brought me back to seriousness, that i in all seriousness replied him.

I continued with my swaying trick, and my next target was his d’ick. In a movie i watched, one of actors said and i quote; “Don’t go for the Jugular, go for the D’ick”.

I sent a punch to his Solar plexus and continued swaying and shuffling. He sent one that couldn’t get me.

I was so focused on my target that i never saw him sent a heavy punch to my chest. It was as if a 50kg bag of Rice landed on my chest. My Heart unplugged from it’s axis. I heard something p’umping in my stomach.

“abi my heart don fall for my belle?” I asked myself.

That punch weakened me so much that instead of swaying and shuffling, i started dancing Tango.

Just when i was about retaliating by kicking his d’ick hard, the fight stopped.

How did it stop? You would ask.

I saw Man tapped the guy i was fighting on the head saying, “oya begin to dey dance”. The guy abruptly stopped fighting and started dancing.

I turned to see the other guys dancing also.

“wetin dey happen here na?” I inquired. “dem dey dance na, i don Jaz them” Man replied.

It now dawned on me that Man was at it again with his magic. The ever fetish Man.

I almost laughed at the Atilogu dance steps the guys were displaying.

If a Leopard could change it’s spot, then Brainbox would definately change. He hurriedly searched the pockets of the dancing clowns and collected their phones and other valuables, including the bunch of money in the Bus conductor’s pocket.

“when them go stop to dey dance sef?” Bigie inquired. “na in Five minutes time, make we dey go before them go get themself back” Man informed.

As we walked through the scary bush path that connected Mechanic Village and Nekede, “that guy wound me for my neck with that bottle oh” Bigie complained and i noticed the colar of his shirt had blood stains.

“when we reach house you go put Nchanwu for the wound” Man said.

Nchanwu is the name the Ibos call a scent plant that the leaves are used to spicen up Pepper soup, it has a very strong healing power for wounds, that is of course if the user would bear the pains it comes along with. I think the Yorubas call it Efinrin(am not sure, Yoruba people i get am?).

“Man how you take make those guys begin dance sef” I curiously asked. “na dis ring wey dey my hand i use” Man replied showing us a glittering silver ring in his right thumb.

It instantly dawned on me that that ring was the secret behind his magic powers.

I promised myself never to fight Man no matter what, even if he punches me first, i wouldn’t retaliate. Because i might end up not dancing Salsa but Galala.

We got home and Brainbox gave the money and phones he collected from the pockets of the dancing clowns to Bigie. Informing him that we would share our loots the next day, as well as the money we changed.

We entered the room to meet everybody, except Tega.

“i have brought my own money for the business we want to embark on, i have given it to Baba jay” Pkc informed. That was really good news. We were going on the right track.

We ate, chatted for a while and sleep came.

Since the rain had stopped, the atmosphere was cold.

Legend has it that one sleeps better in cold weather. So i slept like a bady tranquil in the bed.

In the middle of the night, my phone rang. I looked and saw “Nas” as the caller. Initially, i thought it was the American rapper Nas, maybe it was because I was awake but left my brain asleep.

“why Nas dey call me na?” I muttered and mistakenly pressed the “end” button instead of the “accept” button. And the connectivity went off.

I fumbled as i switched off the phone. And i promised myself i would call him first thing in the morning. Not the American rapper Nas, but my friend and course mate Nas.

Sleep flew away like a bird, and i couldn’t catch it.

What kept me company was the Orchestra of snoring made by my friends. Baba jay was playing the Violin, Man was playing the Flute, while Pkc was playing the Keyboard.

Just when i thought Brainbox wasn’t part of the Orchestra, he snarled.

Two minutes later, he snarled again to scare the living daylight off me, that i thought i had slept by the side of a Dog.

He snarled again, this time he stood up heading towards the toilet.

“Brainbox na you be that?” I inquired.

“no be me, na my spirit” He replied. The “spirit” i heard sent cold shivers down my spinal cord, because Brainbox really looked “spiritual” with his white cloth.

The next thing i heard was a heavy b’ang at the door.

“open this door” I heard a voice yelled from outside. I thought the MOPOs were back for a Season 2.

Brainbox ran out of the toilet and whispered to me, “who be that?”. “na MOPO oh, them don come again oh” I replied.

“Flow open this door” The voice yelled b’anging the door harder.

“Flow na your name them call na, go open the door for them” Brainbox whispered.

“i no be Flow, Flow no be my name” I replied.

I and Brainbox stampeded in the dark room.

We stampeded to the extent that we were practically hugging each other.

“Flow! Brainbox!! Man!!! Make una come open door for me na” I heard the voice called.

That was when it dawned on me that the person outside was Tega and not a MOPO. Because a MOPO wouldn’t mention the names of three of us, unless of course that MOPO was Ade.

I went to open the door and Tega asked, “why you dey fear to come open door na?”.

“i think say na MOPO na” I replied.

As Tega laughed at me loudly, i percieved that he was drunk. S’kunk drunk.

Not just him, but Opopo and Lydia also. They were all drunk.

“where una dey come from na?” I inquired.

“we go drink oh, as we dey come back naso Vigilante stop us oh, we beg tayah but them no gree leave us, them come give us broom make we sweep main road” Tega narrated.

“Flow darling!!” Lydia placed her hand on my chest. “mumu girl, Men dey drink, you wey be woman dey drink sef, comot your hand for my chest jor” I nearly said, and i removed her monster-like hand from my chest.

Tega went straight to lie on the floor, Lydia joined him.

But before Brainbox could take his position by my side, Opopo was already there. Brainbox had no choice but to manage the floor.

The smelling S’kunk air that Opopo breathe out instead of it to chase sleep far from me, it fetched me sleep.

I dreamt i was eating Suya.

Maybe it was the Suya i ate at Ama Hausa earlier that chased me to dreamland. Or maybe not.

Someone tapped me to daybreak, and i heard, “mumu Boy, you just dey chop Opopo vomit”, It was Man.

I opened my eyes wide to see that Opopo had thrown up close to my face.

And i realized the Suya i was eating in the dream were the b’alls of Eba Opopo threw up.