The Man Wey Reason

Episode 44

“When we go continue our kponkpon work na, those welders never finish their work?” Brainbox asked the next morning as we sat at Big boys cutz.

“i don call Madam Ifeoma, she say make we give the welders one week say them get plenty work to do” Man informed.

“if them like make them use one year do the work, i no wan work that r’ubbish work again sef” I said.

“Flow you know say you dey talk nonesense? Work wey dey feed you nahim you dey call r’ubbish work ba?” Man said.

Yes, Kponkpon could be referred to as the fingers that fed me, but the money i was getting from the Jewelleries marketing business was enough for me. Or so i tot.

Soon, we started arguing football at the top of our voices.

All of a sudden, Tupac came out of the compound with a Lady. Albeit the Lady was beautiful, her minus was that she was short. Very very short.

“Tupac you don change cloth again” Brainbox said. And we laughed out loud.

“why una dey laugh na? Una no like my cloth? E no fine?” Tupac asked what made us laughed the more.

“e fine, but e too short for you” I said, putting the laughter at top gear.

Tupac couldn’t comprehend what “cloth” meant, so he continued staring at the yellow T-shirt he wore. But it seemed the Lady with him knew that we were referring to her, as her formerly smiling face suddenly went pale.

If Ladies were clothes, then Tupac had a loaded wardrobe. He had them in Varieties, from Suits to Tuxedos to T-shirts to Jeans to even Okrika clothes.

He had more Okrika clothes than Tuxedos. Maybe it was because Okrika clothes were cheaper and easier to maintain, little wonder he had a bale of Okrika clothes in his wardrobe of Ladies.

If you don’t know what “Okrika” is, then you are not a Nigerian. And if you have not worn an Okrika before, it means you are the Son or the Daughter of either Aliko Dangote or Mike Adenuga.

For people like us, we grew up with the Knowledge that Okrika was affiliated to Tm lewis and Kalvin kleen. And that Emperor Armani was the same as Emperor Nnamani of Aba.

“how this my T-shirt take short? You dey see well so?” Tupac said, as he walked passed us.

Our laughter annoyed the short Lady that had it been she was with a gun she would had shot us all dead.

What made us laughed the more was viewing both of them from behind, it was a funny sight to behold. The Lady’s height couldn’t exceed Tupac’s stomach. But for the high heel she wore, her height would had been approximately Tupac’s waist.
“Tupac no dey shame to waka with this short girl?” I said. “how him go shame to waka with person wey dey give am Kpormor chop” Man said.

Talking of guys ashamed of their Ladies, i will never forget my Uncle’s girlfriend. Saying she was too tall is an understatement, she was taller than some trees. I am not exaggerating here. She was damn too tall.

She loved my Uncle so much, but my Uncle never reciprocated her Love.

For the short time my Uncle stayed with us in the barracks, i saw that height wasn’t a barrier where there is Love. She was practically forcing herself on my Uncle.

Her visiting wasn’t a problem at all, when she wanted leaving was the War. Who would see her off to the bus stop was the Big problem.

My Uncle always pleaded with me to see her off. He always gave me a bribe of as huge an amount as 200naira(it was a huge amount then) just to see her off for not up to 200metres from our house.

I was 18 then, and taller than most of my friends.

But whenever i saw her off, i always cried within me at how short i was, my height wasn’t even up to her h’ips.

Any of my friend that saw me seeing her off couldn’t just laugh, but would go the extra length of informing others. They even concluded i was dating her.

That never deterred me from seeing her off and recieving my 200naira bribe.

She always felt bad seeing people laughing at her because of her height.

Her name was Bola. It would had been better for her had her parents named her Tola instead of Bola.

Sometimes i wondered how My Uncle went through the Herculean task of having s’ex with her, it would be like having s’ex with a Coconut tree.

And i sometimes picture them marrying, what kind of kids would they had given birth to? because my Uncle was also a bit tall. Maybe their first child would had been a Sky scraper, and their second child would had been an Iroko tree.

We had not stopped laughing when a Nissan Amanda Jeep drove in.

Two persons came out of the Jeep.

The person that came out from the driver’s seat was Opopo, and the other person was Tega.

Opopo was looking so Opopolicious, and Tega was looking so Tegalistic.

They were expensively dressed.

“see as my guys baf up eeeeh” I said with my mouth ajar.
“Tega na you be this? See Tega oh” Man said as we shook hands with them.

“na me na, levels don change oh” Tega said smiling.

“guy which person car una borrow?” Brainbox asked.

“na my car be this” Opopo said, smiling.

“na lie” I said.

“guy my Maga don pay wella, you never see anything sef” Opopo said.

“guy talk true na, for where una thief this car?” Bigie said. “you think say na everybody be thief like you, na Opopo get this car” Tega said.

It dawned on me at that moment that they were serious, the car was actually Opopo’s.

Was it the same Opopo i chewed his vomit about two weeks ago? Did he rob a bank? Were the questions i asked myself.

“guys, make una touch my body, no be my spirit stand for una front oh” Opopo beckoned that we touched him to confirm he was flesh and blood and not ghost.

Nobody touched him but Flow. I touched him to confirm that he wasn’t a ghost.

“guy how you take buy this fine Jeep na, abi you do blood money?” Brainbox who was walking round the Jeep and admiring it said.

“na your papa do blood money” Opopo cursed.

He was denying the fact that he had soiled his hands. I was becoming scared of him, because i was thinking he had used someone’s head or someone’s p’enis for money rituals.

Talking of what people do for money, i will never forget Emma best, the guy in my room-mate’s department back then in school.

The guy was from a poor family, but when we got to second year, he suddenly became rich. Very rich that he bought a Honda “End of discussion” car. His friends even nicknamed him “Karishim magana” which was the Hausa interpretation of “End of discussion”

How he suddenly became rich is still unknown to me even up to this moment. What is known to me is how he used people’s destiny for money rituals.

He would take like 5guys to drink, intentionally leaving without his car. And after they had drank to stupor, he would pay for the drinks.

Him paying for the drinks wasn’t the main issue. The main issue was that he would empty his wallet and asked one of the 5guys to give him transport fare of maybe 50naira.
The person that would offer him the 50naira was offering him his destiny. You wouldn’t blame that person, would you? If someone bought you 6bottles of beer and asked you for just 50naira to transport himself back home, wouldn’t you gladly give that person the money? Am asking you my readers, wouldn’t you give that person the money?

According to people that had gone drinking with him, he would call one of them aside and said; “guy i don spend all the money wey i bring come for them the drink wey we drink, abeg give me 50naira make i use enter bike go house”.

Verily verily i say unto you, that 50naira would end up in his babalawo shrine, and his babalawo would multiply the 50naira to 500,000naira.

Maybe the rest 499,950naira was the riches the person that offered him the 50naira would had recieved in the nearest future. Or maybe not.

Emma best was so “best” with his tricks that he had never told one person to offer him “the 50naira” twice.

One thing about the devil is that; he never gives permanent riches. When we got to final year, Emma best became so poor that people started calling him “Emma worst”.

When the discussion ended for “Karishim magana” himself was when he was caught with C..ocaine. He never graduated.

Nkàn bé!!! like the Yorubas would say. Strange things are really happening in this strange world.

Since then till this moment, whenever i go drinking with a stupendously rich dude, i go empty, without even transport fare.

If you like call me “fear-fear” na you sabi. Am simply applying caution. I don’t want to sell my riches of tomorrow for just 2bottles of beer.

Note of warning to guys that love free drinks; like the Bible says, the devil is a king of deception. He knows that when one is drunk his brain is fast asleep, nahim make him go use that opportunity use your brain drink garri.

A drinking table had led so many to kissing the sky, a drinking table had also led so many to actualizing their dreams.

“guys me sef go soon buy my own car, make una give me 1month, just 1month” Tega announced.

“make una go wear cloth make we go drink for town, make i wash the car for una na” Opopo said.

As Opopo drove us to a drinking bar along Tetlow road Owerri, i promised myself i would drink just one bottle, and then one for the road, and then one more for the road.

As we drank, i saw two creatures stood in front of me. They looked like Demons when i looked with my left eye, they looked like Horses when i looked with my right eye. But when i looked with both eyes, i saw two mighty Pigs.

“Opopo you don try, i don dey ok, my eye don dey see double” I said, as i saw the two Demons waving at me. I waved back.

“na who you dey do bye bye” Brianbox asked why i was waving.

“nobody oh, i just dey straight my hand, e dey pain me” I lied.

“Opopo you don try, we don high wella” Man said.

“una don tayah? i want make dem bring more for una sef” Opopo said.

“Bar man!! Bring more bottles” Tega ordered.

“Tega why you wicked like this, you want make i piss for my body?” Brainbox cried.

Brainbox had urinated in the nearby bush like Fourteen times since we started drinking. Or was his Urinary tracks becoming faulty? I asked myself.

1759 was as sweet as honey that day.

1759 wasn’t the year i was born, but my brand of beer. I so much loved the number 1759 that i crested it as my Jersey number when i was selected to play for my department in the Faculty cup when i was in school. Unfortunately, we couldn’t scale through the group stage of the tournament. One guy wey dem dey call Makalele show me pepper no be small.

I scored two goals. Own goals.

Makalele was good at dribbling than scoring. And he was talented at making defenders mistakenly scored own goals. I wasn’t the only own goal scorer in that match, Kc scored also, but he scored just one. The match ended 3-0, with goals from Flow with Jersey number 1759 and Kaysey with Jersey number 411. What funny Jersey numbers. Maybe the Jersey numbers brought I and Kc the ill luck, or maybe not.

If the first person in the world to score an Own goal was shot dead, then i deserved to be beheaded.

That was the ill luck the number 1759 brought my way.

1759 brought ill luck to me again when i used it as my ATM PIN. That morning i was to travel to Lagos after exams. The ATM did not only swallow my card, it refused paying me.

That wasn’t the main “Koko”. The main Koko was that i wanted to leave O’town because of hunger. That made me stayed in O’town eating Beans and Garri for two weeks until the bank rectified the problem.

Owerri town is known as O’town, just the same way Port Harcout town is known as Petakwa, Lagos town is known as Lasgidi, Sokoto town is known as Sok town, and Kaduna town is known as Kd. I say make i ask oh, wetin una think say dem go dey call Maiduguri town sef? Maid town or Maidu town, or better still Boko Haram town.

Afternoon grew to evening and we were still drinking.

“Opopo make we dey go house, this guys don high wella” Tega said to Opopo.

“you you never high? You wey call girl dey speak french with her” I said in my mind. He actually called a Lady on phone and was speaking Urhobo language with her. Urhobo sounded like French to me.

We staggered like the I’diots we were to where the Jeep was parked.

Brainbox was the last person to reach where the car was parked, and there was no space for him to seat.

“shebi na all of us sidon come na? Why space no com dey for Brainbox to sidon na” Man said.

Or was it that we all had became chubbier courtesy of the beer we drank? I asked myself.

“lap me jor” Brainbox sat on my lap.

As the Jeep moved, Brainbox a..ss bone was really hurting me, not only that, his body was as heavy as a corpse, almost crippling me.

Opopo drove so rough that i almost ate my heart.

“guy slow down na” Bigie warned.

“omoh mehn Baba jay and Snoop don miss oh” I said.

“them dey barb hair na, no how wey them go leave barbing salon com follow us go drink” Man said.

“i wan piss oh” Brainbox suddenly said.

“guy i no go fit stop this car for you make you go piss oh” Opopo said, and Brainbox said no further.

Opopo put on the car stereo and the music blasting was Tupac Shakur’s Califonia love. Man begane to sing along. It seemed he was singing the Hausa version of the song.

“guy you no sabi sing the song, you dey spoil am” Tupac cautioned. As if Tupac Amaru Shakur was his Elder brother.

Suddenly i felt something wet my trouser reaching my d’ick. I initially thought i had premature e’.jaculation.

I realized it was water when suddenly it started to pour in torrents, i looked up to see if it was raining. It wasn’t. Even if it was, i was in a car for God’s sake.

At that moment it dawned on me that Brainbox had urinated on me.

“Brainbox!! You don piss for my body” I yelled.