The Man Wey Reason

Episode 51

Few days later.

“na you be Bigie! I say na you be Bigie!!” A buccaneer member yelled at me grabbing my shirt.

“Bros no be me be Bigie oh, i no fat na” I answered in jitters.

“una dey hide Bigie abi? When we flog all of una with Koboko finish, una go tell us where him dey” the one with the horse whip said. He was as thin as the whip he held.

I thought he just wanted to scare us, that he couldn’t possibly lash us with a Koboko.

He started with Brainbox, “Yeeeeeh! Yeeeaah!! Yeaeeh!! My nyash oh!! My back oh!! If i see Bigie i go kill am” he cried.

I thought of running out of the room, but thought otherwise because there were about Five MTNs in the room, one of them was even with a gun.

As i lay facing the floor, i was imagining how the Koboko would tear my back to pieces.

“e no go better for Bigie Papa” I heard Brainbox cursed.

One of the Buccaneer members that wore a yellow beret landed the flat side of the machete he held on my back, and i caught seizure for 30seconds.

“who you be ?” He landed the machete on my back for the second time. I caught Amnesia and partial Stroke instanta. I also became a stammerer.

“i beeeeeeeeeee Flow?” I cried out.

“you be Flow ehnnnn!! So which frat you dey flow?” He asked. “eennnnnnn?” I pretended i couldn’t comprehend what he asked.

“i say which cult you dey?” He landed the machete on my back for the third time. That made my brain turned upside down.

A voice in my head kept telling me to say the cult i belonged to. Fear made me mistakenly said “Burger” instead of “Bagger”

“wetin be Burger? Abi you be Bagger?” He queried.

“no oh! I say my name na Flow, my Papa name na Burger” I tried covering up.

“shut up!! So you be Bagger?” He yelled at me. At that moment, i saw myself shrinking like Vegetable.

In my school then, Buccaneers so much hated Baggers. They were like Cat and Dog. Worldwide, they both hated each other. Or so i tot.

“i no be Bagger, na Burger i talk no be Bagger, you ask me my name, i tell you, so my Papa name nahim be Burger” I cried.

He landed me a dirty slap, and said, “Alora make una come see one Aromate oh”.

The slap made my brain went cold that i thought what he said was “roommate” and not “Aromate”.

“i no be Bigie roommate oh!! Na Tupac be him roommate oh!!” I cried out.

“shut up!!” Another Buccaneer member on yellow short sleeve shirt landed me a slap that made my formerly cold brain warm.

“so you are a cultist?” the one on yellow short sleeve queried, punching me hard on the nose.

My warm brain became pipping hot and interpreted “so you are a cultist?” as “so you are a Scottish?”.

“am not a Scottish oh, am a Nigerian” I spoke gibberish.

“go and kneel down there, your case is special” the one on yellow short sleeve commanded. I wondered why he spoke English while his “colleagues” spoke Pidgin.

Legend has it that Buccaneer is a cult for the rich, and that the Leader of Buccaneer in every University must be a son of a notable figure in power.

Maybe he was their leader that was why he spoke English, or maybe not.

I knelt down like a Pupil serving punishment.

I counted the lashes that landed on Baba jay’s back to be 17. And i saw him crying like a baby.

That day was the day i knew Baba jay had genes of a Bull Dog. Not only did he look like a Bull Dog, he barked like a Bull Dog as the recieved the lashes of Koboko.

Next was Snoop. He spoke Chinese as he was lashed 18. I counted it accurately.

That day was the first day i saw Snoop’s tears.

Since Baba jay was lashed 17 and Snoop was lashed 18, i was sure Man would be lashed 19, or maybe one might me added for the road to make it 20.

“One! Two! Three!!………….” I counted in my mind as they resumed lashing Man.

“your Talley no go save you for this one na” I almost said.

“Four! Five!! Six!!” and as the seventh lash landed on his back, the person lashing him suddenly frooze.

He frooze looking like the statue of Liberty as he raised his hand wanting to give Man the 8th lash

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Man stood up and started laughing a “demonic” laugh, and i saw fire in his eyes. I was f’.ucking scared, so was the Aloras. They stampeded like they were Rugby players as they struggled for the door that was wide open.

For 2minutes, the Alora that was lashing Man with the Koboko stood like the statue of Liberty, until Man freed him by tapping him on the the shoulder.

As he was freed, he dashed into the toilet thinking the toilet door was the door that would lead him out of the room.

We all watched as he ran out of the toilet, and ran out just the way his brothers did.

Two months later.

Big boys cutz became very lucrative, fetching us more money. From the weekly pay i collected as my share, i was able to pay all my debts in school. And i was able to drink atleast a bottle of Udeme every evening.

Not only that, smiling in my bank account was 150k that i had saved from the profit i made from Tupaco and Kpatalico conglomerate.

As for Tupacokpatalico, what was suppose to be a take home pay most times is exhausted before i get home. Sometimes i wondered whether Madam Ifeoma always “jazzed” our pay, that we couldn’t give account of a sensible thing we used the money for.

Whether she jazzed it or not, was none of my business, atleast i was able to buy myself good clothes and shoes with the money, and perfumes too. Northerner perfumes.

Man introduced me to an “Northerner” friend of his that sold pungent smelling perfumes to us. Some smelled like Insecticide, some smelled like Fuel, while others smelled like Kerosene. That wasn’t the main Issue, the main issue was the names of these perfumes. Funny names like; Story P, Pandoko, Jodo Jodo, Kula Kula, Bens, Flato, ecetera.

Of all the “designer” Northerner perfumes, i became a die hard fan of “Flato”, for nothing special but because the letter “F” was the first letter. Flato smelled different from most of the Northerner perfumes in more ways than one.

While most Northerner perfumes smelled like Fuel, Flato smelled like Pesticide.

While most Northerner perfumes felt cool when sprayed on one’s skin, Flato burnt like hell once it touches the skin.

And like Onion, Flato always brought out tears from my eyes.

“Flow why you dey cry na?” Brainbox asked.

“so because water dey comot for my eye nahim mean say i dey cry?” I queried.

I was really in tears, all thanks to Flato. I wasn’t only in tears, i was in pains also.

“Flow why you do face like s’hit na?” Man asked.

My face looked like poo is an understatement, i was a monkey look-alike.
“how man pekin go use him money go buy wetin go dey make am cry, how man pekin go use him money go buy wetin go dey pain am for body? Nawa oh!” I cried within me. I dared not complained to Man’s hearing, because i had earlier told him i so much loved how Flato smelled, that i had never seen a perfume that smelled so nicely since i was born. A Big lie it was.

“Flow na Kuli Kuli you wan go buy wey you dey spray perfume, nawa for you oh, do quick na, hungry dey wayah me” Snoop said.

“wetin concern you, na you buy the perfume for me?” I replied.

Of a truth, since i became a fan of Flato Northerner perfume, i sprayed it morning, afternoon, and night, sometimes i even sprayed it in my dream. Not only me, Man too.

But his own smelled like “Nchanwu”.

Nchanwu in Ibo is the same as “Efinrin” in Yoruba and it is called “Scent leaf” in English the Lingua Sandra, i mean Lingua Francesca, Lingua Franca rather.

I bought the Kuli Kuli from the same Northerner that sold us perfumes.

“Flow where you buy this Kuli Kuli?” Snoop asked, as we started “smoking” the Garri.

Not the kind of “smoking” you know. Smoking Garri means drinking Garri.

Garri, a.k.a G4, a.k.a Cassava flakes, a.k.a Golden morn, a.k.a G-unit.

“na for Alhaji Bala place, na Man say make we dey buy Kuli Kuli there” I answered.

“why the Kuli Kuli dey taste like wetin dem piss on top na” Brainbox noticed.

I tasted it to comfirm what Brainbox was complaining of. The Kuli Kuli did not only taste like pee, it smelled like Man’s Nchanwu perfume.

“the Kuli Kuli sweet jor” Man said.

“how e no go sweet? Na because na ur friend sell am for us na” I queried.

“abeg i no dey drink again jor” Brainbox left the “drinking” floor. So did Snoop.

So also did Flow, and Man was left alone munching the pee/Nchanwu Kuli Kuli and the G-unit.

“make i go open shop na, rain don stop” Snoop said.

“i dey miss Baba jay oh” He added.

Since Baba jay travelled to his village in Ohafia in Abia state, Snoop hardly opened Big boys cutz for business, he always used either that it was too sunny or it was raining as an excuse.

“guys Baba jay call me, him say him see Bigie for Ohafia” Tupac said as he entered Big boys cutz.

“Bigie dey mad oh, so na for Ohafia him go hide” Brainbox wondered.

“guy make all of us enter Ohafia go catch am na” I gave a nonsense suggestion.

If you reason what i suggested with the front side of your brain, it would be nonsense.

But if you reason it with the back of your brain, you would see the sense in the suggestion. That na if you smoke Igboh oh.

Why Bigie was declared wanted by the Buccaneers wasn’t only because he stole Opopo’s laptop, he also burgled the room of an Alora and stole 100k, after he did that, he packed his bag and ran to Ohafia.

Two weeks later.

“Baba jay you don come back from village?” I saw Baba jay entered Big boys cutz.

“yes oh, i don come back oh” He responded with a bright smile.

That day was the first day in a long while that i saw Baba jay smiled.

“this one wey you dey shine your teeth like person wey drink hot pepper soup, hope say we dey safe?” I said to him.

“guy i dey happy pass person wey drink hot pepper soup oh” He responded.

“wetin happen na? You win jackpot? Abi you win Lottery?” Man asked.

“guy my younger brother wey dey Abroad come village oh, the guy land me Dollars make i use go pay all the money wey i dey owe for school oh” He announced.

“Mumu!! Old man like you, na your younger brother dey give you money wey you go use go pay your school fees” I almost said.

“guy your younger brother na correct guy oh, which country him dey for Abroad?” I needed to know.

I thought his answer would be either USA or UK. Or both.

“na Malaysia him dey” He answered.

I thought he said; “Mali”. “so your brother dey Mali, you com dey say him dey Abroad, Mali dey back of my village na, from my Village you fit use Okada go Mali” I teased.

“i say Malaysia, no be Mali” He corrected.

“so your brother dey Malaysia, and you dey happy” Man said.

“make i no happy?” Baba jay queried.

“you don ask am wetin him dey do for Malaysia?” Man said.

“him say him dey work for Oil company” Baba jay answered.

“no be only Oil company, na Ororo company” Brainbox said.

Ororo means Groundnut Oil.

“so you no know say Malaysia na the headquarter of Coco? So na Coco your brother dey sell for Malaysia” Man said.

“wetin be Coco?” Baba jay asked.

“Coco na Coconut” I was pulling his legs.

“how my brother go go Malaysia go sell Coconut, which kin nonesense business be that” Baba f’oolishly replied.

“Mumu! So you no know say Coco na C’ocaine” Snoop cursed.

“God forbid!! How my brother go dey sell C’ocaine for Malaysia, my brother na responsible guy oh” said Baba jay.

“see, look me well well, i no be like responsible guy?” Man asked Baba jay.
“you no be like responsible guy oh, you be like I’diot, you be like fool, you be like Babalawo, infact, you be like Goat” I nearly said.

“answer me na” Man raised his voice.

“you be like responsible guy na” Baba jay answered.

“see, e remain small wey i for go Malaysia with my cousin, that my cousin don die now, the Coco wey him swallow burst for him belle, me sef for don die if to say i follow am” Man narrated.

“how you go die, your Talley go help you na” Brainbox said.

“my Talley no fit help me for that one oh, abi you no know say Africa Jaz no fit work for Abroad” Man said.

When we were younger, we were told by our elder ones that Juju when taken above several Seas would be neutralized. I can’t tell how true that was, even up to this moment. How i go know na? I never use Juju before na, talk less of him senior brother “Jaz”. And i never travel abroad before na.

Okay!! I don travel abroad two times. The two times na Benin Republic i travel go buy chicken and turkey.

I remember now, i don travel go France sef. In my dreams. Me and my friends even played football in the famous Eiffel Towers.

“Flow you go follow me go Ama Hausa go change this Dollar to Naira oh” Baba jay said.

“who be Flow?” I asked.

“na you na” He replied.

“i resemble person wey wan die? You want make those Northerner use my blokus do Suya? Tell Man wey sabi speak Hausa make him follow you go jor” I said.

“Man you go follow me go oh, abeg” Baba jay pleaded.

“no wahala, as far as you go give me 500naira wey i go use buy Suya and Yogurt if we reach there” Man demanded.

“no wahala, i go give you na, make we dey go” Baba jay said, and they left.

About an hour after they left, a Police van parked in front of Big boys cutz, and three Policemen came out of the van. They wore bulletproofs like they wanted to go fight third world war.

A tall lady walked behind them.

“that is the guy! That is the guy that duped me!” She pointed towards me.

“who dupe you, i know you?” my heart skipped.

“which of them?” One of the Policemen asked her.

“the one on blue T-shirt” She responded.

I wasn’t on Blue T-shirt. So it wasn’t me.

Guess who it was?

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