The Man Wey Reason

Episode 42

I heard Haruna’s C.ocks crowed in succession.

“why i go dey fear ordinary buccaneer boys, i be Aro bagger na” I consoled myself.

Consolation was what i needed at that moment as i heard my heart climbing the ladder of my throat.

I saw Man hiding behind the standing fan. Could a standing fan give him the desired refuge? I asked myself.

Kettle calling pot black, i wasn’t any better as i hid behind the Generator.

You wouldn’t blame us, would you? In such situation anything could serve as a refuge, even a shoe.

I expected the footsteps to stop abruptly in front of the shop, but i still heard it moved further.

I heard someone walking round the Barber’s shop whistling.

I concluded the Buccaneers wanted to set the Barber’s shop ablaze when i heard; “bring the galon of Kerosene, and bring matches sef”.

My heartbeat stopped instantly and i cried bitterly knowing my Life Clock would also soon stop.

One thing was sure, the Buccaneers had a history of setting people ablaze.

I could remember when i was in school when Buccaneers declared war against the confraternity. So many members that were caught were set ablaze.

Suddenly i saw Man whispering something to the ring in his right thumb.

“Man you get sense abi? You wan disappear make only me die for the fire abi?” I thought.

At that moment, a song came to my mind, the song was; “Death around the corner” by Tupac Amaru Shakur. I was gradually becoming a Tupac Shakur fan, all thanks to Tupac.

As Man continued whispering incantations to the ring, i thought the best thing to do was to grab him firmly so we would vanish together.

I quickly grabbed him from behind, and he said, “Flow why you dey hold me na”.

“you get sense, you wan disappear make only me die for fire abi?” I cried.

“two people no go fit disappear, na only one person” Man said.

“so you want make only me die abi? Guy na me and you go die here oh, i no go gree oh” I said, holding him so tight that he couldn’t breathe properly.

Suddenly i heard, “Nkiru stay for shop, make i go burn the dirty”, i instantly recognised that that was Haruna’s voice.

“i don see our pekin shirt and shoe wey we dey find” that was Nkiru’s voice.

It instantly dawned on me that the shirt and shoe was what they were initially looking for that Nkiru said she was sure it was inside the shop. And the Kerosene was to burn dirts and not to set the Barber’s shop ablaze.

So they were not Buccaneers.

I found my lost breath, and my lost heart also.

But it seemed Man was deaf, as he continued his incantations.

Or is it that a person saying incantations is surely deaf? I asked myself, as Man added dancing to his incantations. A Hausa dance i think.

I thought the best thing to do was to bring him back to the Physical realm somehow. So i tapped him on his head.

It worked, he was brought back to the Physical realm.

“Flow you wan turn to rat?” was the first question he asked me.

“no” i answered.
“if you no wan turn to rat, make you no ever slap person wey dey talk to him Talley for him head” Man warned.

If you grew up in the ghettos of Nigeria, you should know that “Talley” is a charm given to someone for protection and to fight. It is mostly in form of a ring.

The first day i saw that a Talley could work wonders was when i was in my early teenage in the barracks.

Two adults were fighting one evening, i saw one of them spoke something to a ring he wore, after he had spoke the words, he let out a punch to the nose of his opponent. The next thing i saw, his opponent started uprooting grasses and eating them.

The crowd that were watching the fight stampeded trampling on each other. My right ankle was dislocated that evening.

I was told the guy that was eating grasses was left to his fate until about 5minutes when his eyes were clear and he ran for his dear life.

“i say make i tell you say no be those Buccaneer, na Haruna and him wife, nahim make i slap you for head” I said to Man.

“I know na, i just dey tell my Talley say i no wan disappear again, nahim make me dey dance” Man said.

“ok, make we comot for here na” I beckoned.

“you know say Oyibo people dey say Ladies First, so you go dey for front, i go follow you for back” Man said trash.

“who be Lady?” I asked. “na you na” Man answered. “na your Papa be Lady” I cursed.

“you better enter front, no be you hold Talley?” I said.

We practically crawled out of the Barber’s shop, and the first face we saw was Nkiru’s u.gly face. A bad omen that meant we would have an u.gly day.

As we entered the compound, we saw so many guys, each with a cutlass, not to cut off our heads, but to clear the grasses in the compound.

And they were not Buccaneer members but our beloved friends.

“Flow wetin una do Kate wey make her call her brother for una?” Bigie asked, as we sat close to where they were cutting.

“nothing oh, we no do anything oh” Man answered. “see your mouth like nothing oh, una no do anything nahim them dey find una?” Tupac said.

“ehnnn!! if una die, i no sabi cry oh, i go just wear black cloth come chop Rice for una burial oh” Brainbox said.

“na you go die” Man cursed.

“Tupac you hold that your phone here?” Man suddenly asked. “yes i hold am here, e dey for my pocket” Tupac answered.

“bring am” Man said.

“wetin you wan use my phone do?” Tupac asked.

“i wan send music put inside” Man said. “guy i no dey like make any music wey no be Tupac music dey for my phone, if no be Tupac music no send am oh” Tupac warned.

“na Tupac music na” Man said. “ehnnnn! Wetin be the name of the music” Tupac was curious.

“na B..itches over B..itches be the name” I answered.

I knew there was a Tupac song that was titled; “Money over B..itches(MOB)”, so i coined out “B..itches over B..itches(BOB).

A perfect title for the Video. Perfect because Kate was a B..itch, Mama Ejima too was a B..itch, and since they both had a roll in the hay in the Video, B..itches over B..itches should be the title.

“na only Money over B..itches i don hear oh, i never hear B..itches over B..itches oh, you sure say na Tupac sing am?” Tupac asked.

“na Tupac sing am na, Gadafi feature for the song sef” I said. I wanted to say the song featured Snoop Dogg, but as i noticed that Snoop who was a die hard Snoop Dogg fan was present, i mistakenly said Gadafi.

Don’t get me wrong, Gadafi here is not referring to the Late Lybian President, but a member of Tupac’s crew.

That Tupac’s crew member named themselves after Leaders like Idi Amin and Mamman Gadafi is a known fact. They bore names like Idi(short for Idi Amin of Uganda), Gadafi(short for Mamman Gadafi of Lybia), even Tupac named himself Makaveli(coined from Nicolo Machiaveli of Italy).

“Flow how you take know say Gadafi na musician?” Tupac asked me. “you think say na today i don dey hear Tupac song?” I answered.

True talk i had been listening to Tupac’s song since i was 7. How? you would ask.

There was this bachelor soldier that stayed in the building behind ours back then in the barracks. He was a die hard Tupac fan.

He ate with Tupac as his spoon, bath with Tupac as his soap, lie with Tupac as his bed, he practically worshiped Tupac. Infact he was going insane because of Tupac, as i sometimes heard him shouting “Tupac”, “Idi”, “Bigie”, “Snoop”, “Gadafi”, etcetera in the middle of the night.
If you were a kid that heard about 20tracks of a particular musician a day, wouldn’t you love the musician automatically? So was my case. I loved Tupac until i was 12 when i started hating anything music(thats a story for another day), albeit the Love for music came back when i was 22 up until this moment.

“guy send the music enter my phone, after i go hear am” Tupac offered Man his phone.

What he never knew was that it was a Tupac song titled; B..itches over B..itches Featuring Gadafi, Kate, and Mama Ejima.

“guy we need to go beg Kate oh” Man said to me as he was sending the Video to Tupac phone. “infact make we dey go now now” he added.

“no, make una no go beg, make una wait reach 1 O’clock wey them those buccaneer boys go come back” Brainbox said.

“na by 1 O’clock them say them go come back?” I curiously asked.

“dey there make p*ant dey wear you” Brainbox said.

“na you p*ant go wear” I replied.

“i no want wahala oh, if i clear this grass finish, i dey enter Ilya du Neked wire go drink pammy, i no want Buccaneers wahala” Snoop said.

“make una no worry them no go do us anything, na Flow and Man them dey find” Tega who just came said. “Flow that Kate property wey una hold make una go give am oh” he warned. It seemed his fratanal brothers had informed him about the video.

“nahim we wan go return now” I replied.

The time according to my phone was; 11:45am. That meant we had 1hour 15minutes to our waterloo.

As a cultist i was, i knew cultist never followed the famous “African time”. That they keep to time is an understatement, they always come before time to take their victims unaware.

“make we dey go beg Kate na” I told Man.

Not knowing Kate wasn’t around.
“kpooon! Kpoon!! Kpoon!” Man knocked at Kate’s door.

No response.

“e be like say she no dey oh” I said. “yes she no dey” Man said.

“wetin we go do na?” I asked. I thought his reponse would had been “when we reach there you go know”, i would had asked him “where we go reach? Heaven or Hell?”.

“make we call her” Man suggested. “you get her number?” I asked. “i get am na” Man brought out his phone.

“na you go follow her talk oh” Man stated. “guy bon that thing oh, na you go follow her talk abeg” I replied almost immediately.

“hello!!” Man begane. “it is I Man, the Man that reasons” He introduced.

“guy she know say na you na, tell her make she dey come house now, no use English, use Pidgin” I said.

“I Just wanted to ask where went you, I and my Brother Flow wanted to beg you, and told you we want to delete the Video” English was his problem, especially when it has to do with conversing with the opposite sex.

“are you coming back now, I and Flow want to tell you that we were sorry, and you should forgives us” Man threw a bomb. I almost laughed so loud, but if i did, Kate would hear from the recieving end, and she might think we were making a jest of her.

Man’s grammar was nothing to write home about. He was the opposite of a grammarian.

Legend has it that one speaks better when high on Alcohol or Weed. Truth be told, whoever listens to me speaking when i am high would think i am the son of the her majesty the Queen.

But for Man, he was the Bomb. He always let out his Ballistic missiles from his Arsenal of grammatical blunders when high.

I will never forget the day I and Man was returning from Paapa’s place and he saw this beautiful Lady walking pass us. “hey baby! My name is Chinonso, tell me your name” Man said.

“you don’t want to told me your name?” He said.

And when he continued bugging the Lady, she said, “you this J.unkie, why are you disturbing me”.

Man’s response to what she said made me almost laughed out my kidney, he said, “I am not born in June oh, my mother borned me in August”.

The Lady laughed and broke it down for the “illiterate” Man, she said, “is it not you i saw at that smoking joint smoking I’ndian H’emp, you were there na”.

“i were there” Man said, pointing a finger at himself.

“i saw you na, you were there” The Lady said.

“Flow, i were there” Man turned to Me.

Then he turned to the Lady and said, “i were not there oh, i were where i went to buy groundnut oh”, and he showed her the groundnut in his hands.

The laughter of the Lady made people around thought she was mad. I controled my laughter so that Man wouldn’t go angry.

Man’s grammar was so Hausa-ish that even if he spoke the right thing, whoever heard it would think what he spoke was wrong.

Why wouldn’t his grammar be Hausa-ish? When he spent his childhood in “Ugwu Hausa”.
Ugwu Hausa! A place where the condition of learning is so poor that school children seat under the Mango tree to learn.

Ugwu Hausa!! A place where malnutrition is the order of the day.

Ugwu Hausa!!! A place where smoking in the street is like eating groundnut in the street.

Ugwu Hausa!!!! By the way, that is what most Ibos call the North. While they call the Northerners “Ndi Ugwu” meaning “People of the Hill”. Because they have Hills in abundance.

“what did you say?” Man said to the Callee.

“Callee” is not a French word, neither is it an English word. It is a “Flow” word.

If a “Caller” is someone making a call, then a “Callee” is someone recieving the call. So says Flow.

“we should come and meet you where?” Man asked the Callee.

“okay, let us come and meet you in Riverside hotel” Man said to the Callee.

“ehn ehn ehn, you say” It seemed we were running out of airtime.

“credit don finish” Man said.

“Guy Kate say make we come meet her for Riverside hotel oh” Man informed.

“River wetin?” I asked.

“Riverside” He answered.

Riverside hotel was a nice hotel no doubt, but the hotel entertained mostly cultist. As police always paid the hotel a visit to catch cultist and robbers that came to catch fun.

“guy make we no go jor” I said.

“we go go” Man declared.

“go do wetin?” I asked.

“when we reach there you go know” He answered.

Since we had already started with the “Wahala”, it was best we ended what we started. “make we go” I said, even though i knew the Buccaneers would be there with Kate.

“where una dey go?” Begie asked us on our way out. “Riverside hotel” I replied him.

“mehn i pity una oh” Bigie said.

“no pity us, just help us hold our phone” Man said, and we handed our “personal” phones to him, and our wallets also. That was the best thing to do. Or so i tot.

The only phone with us was our “joint phone”, the phone that got us into the big “wahala”.

“Man hold the phone well oh” I told Man who held it like an Egg.

And we walked like two Robots to the dreaded Riverside hotel.

“Tochi see the two s’tubborn goat don come” Kate announced as we came close to their drinking table.

Truely, we looked like goats. Two christmas goats.

Suddenly, a guy with thick beards let out a thundering slap to Man’s head. The heavy “Wind” that came with the slap almost swept me off my feet. Infact, i thought Man would throw up his entire brain.

“na una dey give my sister wahala abi, una no want make she enjoy herself abi” the guy that slapped Man said.

“so na to dey sleep with her fellow woman nahim be say she dey enjoy herself abi?” I nearly said.

As a bald guy came close to me, i was expecting him to slap me the way Man was slapped, so i bowed my head a bit for it to be positioned well for his slap. To my greatest surprise, he sent an uppercut to my left eye.

It was light out.

It was as if i was riding on a Roller coaster.

As i tried opening my right eye to see if i was still in the physical or i had gone spiritual, he sent a hot slap to my right cheek.

My two eyes went blackout. And this time i was riding on a Mary-go-round.

Not only that, i saw Roses germinating on my right cheek.

“Flow you don dey die be that oh” I told myself.

I was hearing drumbeats by my side, i thought the hosts of heaven had rolled out the drums welcoming two guests. Or rather two goats.

But when i heard Man shouting “yeee!! Aaaaaaah!! I don die oh!!” It dawned on me that what i thought was drumbeats was the sound of Plank on Man’s head.

“wetin him do na?” I was wondering why they left me alone and was beating Man Blue Black.

“F’oulish boy, you sabi laugh abi?” one of the guys said. That was when it dawned on me that Man laughed when he was first slapped. Maybe it was because my eyes and ears were shut that was why I never saw and heard him laughed.

“Make una leave them, make we hear wetin them wan talk” Kate brought the beatings to a stop.

I managed to open my left eye to see that on Man’s face grew two Koko. One on his Forehead and one on his Nose. The one on his Nose made him looked more like Pinocchio.

“na the Video be this, make una delete am” Man was showing them the Video.

As he was showing them the Video, one of the guys came to me and asked, “you don smoke Igboh before?”. “no bros” I replied.

“ehennnn! Today you must smoke am” He stated.

What he never knew was that he was talking to Igbohbueze 1 of Igboh land.

He forced the wrap he was smoking to my lips.

“oya smoke am” he ordered.