The Man Wey Reason

Episode 49

“better things dey happen to us this days oh, the other day na Flow bring better-better cloth for us, now see fine-fine cloth wey Tega bring for us” Brainbox said as we were taking our pick from the fine clothes Tega brought home.

I and Brainbox almost tore a fine Jeans trouser as we practically fought over it.

“guy you don take one Jeans already, leave this one for me na” I pulled the Jeans from him.

“forget that thing abeg, no be me first collect am?” said the Coconut headed Brainbox.

Brainbox’s head was a picture perfect of either Coconut or Water Melon, or a little bit of both. Little wonder he told us he was the Head boy when he was in secondary school.

If the criterion for appointing one as a Head boy was how Big the person’s head was, i would had been appointed the Assistant Head boy when i was in secondary school, to assist “Ori oh” who for sure would had been the Head boy.

My head was like Satellite dish when i was in Junior Secondary School, but as i grew older, the Satellite dish grew smaller, yet nobody in the whole school was able to take the second position from me, i comfortably took charge as the “Second man in Command” in the kingdom of Head.

Unlike Ori oh, my head was perfect for my well built body, and cute also, depending on your definition of “cute”.

Ori oh’s head was like the head of “The Brain” in the Cartoon series “Pinky and the Brain”.

Like The Brain, he was short. He was also u’gly, dark in complexion, and a Bulldog look-alike.

Ori is a Yoruba word and it means Head. “Oh” that was added to the “Ori” is an Exclamation.

“guy you don collect one Jeans already na, leave this one for Flow na” Man said.

After much argument, the Coconut head master reluctantly left the Jeans for me.

“Tega you don try as you give us cloth, God go sama you blessing” Snoop said.

Sama isn’t the name of a Spainish footballer, i no know how i go explain am for una oh, make i try sha, it is what is said to refer to when something positive is given abundantly to someone. Take note of the word “positive”, because for instance, if an Army man land you like 20 slaps in a day, you will be very s’tupid going around telling people the Army man “sama” you slaps.

“thank Oluwa oh, na Oluwa do am” Tega replied.

“shey na Oluwa carry you go Nwanyi Asaba place?” I needed not to say that.

“make una no worry, more of this dey come” Opopo promised.

“yahoo business na better business oh, money dey am, but i no fit do am” I told myself.

An hour later.

Baba jay and Snoop went to resume duty at the barber’s shop. Brainbox went to Poly Nekede to write the exam of the course he was spilling over. Man went to visit his younger sister in IMSU. Pkc had not been home for about a week.

“make i go baf” Tega announced.
“make i sleep small” I tried to catch some sleep.

I closed my eyes trying to force sleep, but it was miles away from me.

I thought of going to Tupac and Bigie’s room, but i thought otherwise because they might be gambling and i might be tempted to join them, in the process the 10k with me might develop wings.

I thought of going to Big boys cutz to gist with Baba jay and Snoop, but the weather was too hot for a gist.

So i lay on the bed with my eyes closed still pleading with sleep to come.

“Opopo come!” Tega called from the bathroom.

Few seconds later, i heard the bathroom door shut.

Not up to 5minutes later, i heard a noise like someone was m0an!ng.

“this Kate sef, this kin hot afternoon nahim person dey wayah her” I said within, thinking it was Kate that was m0an!ng.

Suddenly i heard, “Papa Ejima good afternon oh” it was Kate greeting Papa Ejima outside.

That was when it dawned on me that Kate wasn’t the person m0an!ng.

I stood up, tip toed and stuck my ears to the window, i noticed the m0an!ng wasn’t coming from Kate’s room, neither was it coming from Papa Ejima’s room. It seemed it was coming from within the room.

“this Tega and Opopo una bad oh, una dey watch b’lue film for inside bathroom and una no call me make i follow una watch” I said to myself.

I tip toed to the bathroom door to “flatscreen” if Tega and Opopo were watching B’lue film on their phone.

What i saw! What i saw!! What i saw!! Even if i had hundred mouths, i still wouldn’t be able to narrate.

I saw S’odomy.

Tega was giving Opopo d’og style.

I wept.

Save Opopo, Tega didn’t look like “Marvin g’ay” to me.

“them no dey write am for face oh” I told myself.

Why must “Fame” and “Money” be identical twins with their elder brother and sister as G’.ayism and L’.esbianism? Is a question for Google.

As i continued watching how Tega rammed Opopo so hard from behind, i promised myself that Tega would never sleep by my side at night. Never!!

From that day, i hated Tega like poo, and i hated Opopo like fart.

After we were paid Big boys cutz stipend for the previous week, i and Brainbox was called to the “bar” one evening.

“guy you sure say we go go service so?” said Brainbox.

“why we no go go service? We go go na” I replied.

“guy our department no wan even send us go service, even those wey their result complete never go service, talk less of us wey get spill over” Brainbox complained.

It had totally escaped my memory that i had Phy442 exam to write in two weeks time, what Brainbox said reminded me that i was a spill-over student and not a Rice and Beans student.

“no be you dey talk before say no be say person get certificate mean say the person go rich” I altered.

“guy Asambodo good oh” He agreed.

Asambodo is not the name of Australian currency, it is an Ibo word meaning “Certificate”.

“guy i enter one Boutique go market my necklace, naso i see Tega and Opopo there oh, guy you know wetin com happen?” Brainbox made an incomplete statement.

I thought he wanted to say, Opopo and Tega drilled into his a”sshole in the Boutique in broad daylight.

“two of them f’.uck you?” I almost asked.

“wetin happen na?” I inquired.

“them buy one fine shoe for me oh, them even buy one expensive perfume for me sef” Brainbox informed.

“and you collect?” I needed to know.

“who no like better thing! I collect na” He smiled.

“no worry them go soon start to wayah you for nyash, na that time you go know say Khaki no be leather, abi you no know say that perfume fit be g’ay perfume, when you spray am you go just begin to dey like Opopo and Tega” I almost said.

Talk of the Devils, and they came.

“Flow how far?” Tega stretched out his hand for a handshake.

“guy why you wan shake me na, abi i resemble g’ay” I almost said.

I reluctantly shook him, and he forgot his hand on mine.

In my mind, i was thinking he was passing “g’ay current” to me, so i quickly withdrew my hand.

“Flow how far na” Opopo shook my hands.

“i dey fine Marvin g’ay” I nearly replied.
Imagine both of them f’.ucking and at the same time playing a Marvin g’ay song. Ohlala!! It would be a g’aylicious experience.

“we say make we drink na, make we enjoy ourself na” I said.

“make we sef follow una drink na” They both sat down.

“make una follow us na, but make una no spread g’ay disease give us oh” I nearly said.

“make una join us na, there is Love in sharing” Brainbox said.

“Love in wetin? You want Love? If Opopo and Tega Love you na you go run oh” I felt like telling Brainbox.

“Barman, bring beer for all of us, you go bring pepper soup for all of us sef” Tega ordered.

“guy wey your motor na?” I asked Opopo as we drank on.

“the thing get small problem, e dey for mechanic” He replied.

“how that your fine motor go get problem? Abi your Jaz no dey work again?” I almost said.

“Jaz” is not referring to the music genre, it is said to refer to getting fame, power, money, love in diabolical means.

I was glad i wore my “drinking cap” that evening. So many bottles of Udeme saw the skies, i think about 18bottles.

Don’t get it twisted, the 18bottles wasn’t drank by Mr Flow Udeme alone, Mr Opopo Udeme and Mr Tega Udeme drank “Udeme” too. The big Udeme.

The bottles of Udeme i drank sent home the four plates of pepper soup i took. I so wished Man came with us to drink that evening. He couldn’t come with us because he was the Cook for that evening, Pkc was around with some Pastor friends of his. With additional mouths to feed, Man needed to prepare more food.

As we walked home, sorry!! they walked home, while i jumped home. As i jumped home, i noticed that the atmosphere was well lite, there was light in every nook and cranny, even in my shoes.

“but God is great oh, how God take make light sef” I said.

“God na Chairman” Opopo stated.

The Full-Moon lite the night that i thought the night was fast spent.

“wetin be time?” I asked.

“time na 9:30” Tega answered.

“i no go sleep for our room oh, i go sleep for them Tupac room” I informed. “me too oh” Brainbox said.

“why una no wan sleep there?” Tega asked.

“space no go dey for our room na, Pkc bring two pastors come house” Brainbox said.

“so na because him bring two pastor come house nahim make me no go sleep for house? For wetin na? House wey my money dey for house rent? Abeg Opopo make we go house jor, we go sleep for house, we no dey sleep for another person room” Tega yelled.

“your money dey for the house rent na, our own money no join” I told him.

What we never knew was that Opopo and Tega would be a “disgrace” to Pkc in the presence of his Pastor friends.

“wey my wallet?” I yelled early the next morning.

“who take my wallet?” I thundered.

I glanced at the wallpaper of Cristopher Wallace a.k.a Bigie smalls on the wall, that was when it dawned on me that i slept in the room of the Notorious BIG.

“thunder fire Bigie!!” I cursed.

“wetin happen? Wetin Bigie do?” Brainbox inquired.

“the b’astard don thief my wallet” I thundered.

As i saw Tupac came out of the bathroom, i furiously asked, “where Bigie?”.

“wetin happen? Wetin him do?” Tupac asked.

“him thief my wallet as i dey sleep for night” I cried.

“nawa for Bigie oh, him guys come sleep for him room and wallet dey miss, which day him go stop to dey thief? Abi person wey do am this thing don die?” Tupac wondered.

Bigie never gave a damn whether you were his Father or his Pastor, he would still pick your pocket, but my question was; why was it that his roommate Tupac had never ever complained of him picking his pocket? Or were the both of them patners in the crime?

I was sure Tupac wasn’t a pilferer like Bigie because he had always advised Bigie against stealing. The same way Bigie had always advised him against womanizing.

Pilfering was sure a more deadly disease when compared to Womanizing. Or so i tot.

“maybe him don go gamble, as we still dey sleep, i hear when him dey comot sef” Tupac informed.

“which kin gamble wey him go go gamble for early morning?” said Brainbox.

“that kin gamble, them dey call am Morning Mass” Tupac put a smile on his face, and on his head also. His glowing head.

“na for Morning Mass nahim person fit chop plenty money, and na for Morning Mass them fit chop all person money finish, guys dey even use Talley gamble for morning mass” Tupac said.

“so na my money him go use do Morning Mass abi?” I queried.

“Flow no worry, Bigie dey get luck for Morning Mass, him go chop plenty money come back, you go see” Tupac assured.

“how him go chop plenty money wey him no get Talley?” Brainbox queried.

If Man were to be a gambler, with his Talley he would for sure had been a Billionaire.

“i wonder how person wey no get Talley go chop people wey get Talley oh!” I supported Brainbox.

“make una no worry, i trust Bigie” Tupac gave us an assurance.

“my own be say make him bring my money come back, the money na 4k oh, and make him bring my wallet come back, that wallet dey important to me because them my ID card and ATM card dey there” I angrily said and left, Brainbox joined me.

On our way out, i noticed that something had left my neck, i touched my neck, and to my greatest surprise, my Gold necklace was gone, the same Gold necklace i collected from Bigie.

“i go killed Bigie if him come back” I said.
“Flow which one be say you go KILLED Bigie if him come back? Na wetin your English teacher teach you for school?” Brainbox caught my grammatical blunder.

“na your Mama be my English teacher na, you don forget” I replied.

“how them the pastor take see the mojo magazine wey you put for your bag na?” I asked Tega as we sat in Big boys cutz in the afternoon of the same day.

“Guy as i wan collect my boxers for my bag, naso the mojo magazine just fall comot for my bag, as i wan pick am naso one of the pastor just first me pick am oh” Tega narrated.

“guy no be small preaching the pastor preach for Tega and Opopo oh” said Snoop.

They both really needed not only preaching but Deliverance from the spirit of g’ayism.

Mojo is not an Idoma name, it is said to refer to a p’orn magazine.

“guys make una see Sadin and Bread chop oh” Brainbox offered.

“where you see this kin plenty Sadin and Bread?” Baba jay asked.

“i thief am” Brainbox replied.

I ate the Bread and Sadin hastily because i was sharing a loaf with the ravenous Baba jay. Infact, i practically swallowed it without chewing.

I thought Brainbox was just kidding when he said he stole the Bread and Sadin, i never knew he actually stole it until i heard; “walahi! I go cut person head, who thief my wife Bread and Sadin”.

“my wife say one of una thief Bread and Sadin for her shop, which of una thief am?” Haruna thundered with a cutlass in his hand. A very sharp cutlass.

“na Flow thief am” Brainbox pointed at me.

Before i could say; “no be me thief am oh”, Haruna raised his hand up wanting to bisect my head.

“what greater love than this, for Flow to die for his friend Brainbox” A voice in my head said.

I was two seconds to hitting my Tombstone.
Two seconds to six feet down.
Two seconds to kissing the skies.