The Man Wey Reason

Episode 50

“Oga Haruna!! No be Flow thief am oh!!” I heard the voices of Man and Snoop.

“na who thief am?” Haruna thundered.

“na Brainbox!!” I was able to raise my bowing head to see Man, Snoop and Baba jay pointing at Brainbox.

Man hastily spoke Hausa to Haruna, and Haruna said; “God save you today, today nahim you for die”, and he left.

I was saved by the Bell.

What followed after Haruna left was a straight punch from Flow to Brainbox.

“U want make i die? Why you point me say na me thief?” I thundered.

An upper-cut was next, “i don warn you about this thing plenty times” I yelled at the top of my voice.

I saw Tega sneaked out.

He replied me with a heavy punch that sent my head spinning like a Big wheel. As i was about replying him with a 50kg punch, Man held me.

“leave me make i show this boy pepper” I tasted blood in my mouth, it seemed i had lost a tooth or two.

“make una no dey fight, una be friends oh” Baba jay who held Brainbox said. I saw blood dripped out of Brainbox’s mouth, and it reminded me of a Baggers slogan; “we are Baggers, our colour is Red, we are never satisfied until we see Blood”.

I saw Blood, so i was satisfied.

Later in the evening.

I sat under the Mango tree looking at a hand Mirror to see how many teeth i had lost, it surprised me to see that no tooth was lost.

I sat alone for an hour or so, then i saw Bigie walked into the compound with two laptops.

“go blow am” The Bad part of my mind suggested.

“no go blow am oh, Bigie go beat you if una fight oh” The Good part of my mind warned.

“how this Fat fool go beat me” I told them both.

“him no fit beat you, so go give am blow make una fight” The Bad part said.

“you sure? What of if him sidon for my head with him big nyash?” I told the Bad part. At that moment, i saw the Bad part as the Good part, and vice versa.

I had watched in Sumo wrestling when one of the fighters mistakenly sat on the head of his opponent, and his opponent pop the clogs instanta. Since that day, i vowed never to fall to the ground when fighting with an Orobo, even if i stood on a ground tiled with Ogbono soup.

Orobo means someone that is Plus-size.

“go fight am jor! Abi you dey fear am?” The Bad part or rather the Good part said.

“how i go fear Bigie? I dey mad” I stood up with fury and raced towards him.

“Flow your money dey, dem no chop me” Bigie said as he saw me racing towards him. I could tell he was scared as he took several steps backward.

“i wan give you one laptop sef” He said.

“you say wetin?” I screeched like a Police Vehicle.

“i say i wan give you one laptop” He repeated.

“you mean am?” I needed to know.

“i mean am na, take” He offered me a Dell laptop.

“ehen! Na now you talk, you be correct man jor” I tapped him at the back.

“but next time, make you tell me when you wan take my wallet oh” I said nonesense. As if it was wise for him to tell me he wanted to take my wallet before taking it.

“where the wallet na?” I asked. “see am, but no money dey inside am oh” He offered.

Since he had given me a laptop worth 100k, i wouldn’t mind recieving an empty wallet.

I collected the wallet and searched if my ATM card and ID cards were still there, of course they were.

“Bigie you be correct man” I left happily.

“Him no be correct man oh, him thief the laptop oh” I couldn’t tell if it was the Good part or the Bad part of my mind that said that.

“how you take know?” I asked the voice.

“how him go go gamble, and him no go come back with money, na only laptop him come back with” The voice said.

“na true oh” I agreed.

I stayed tranquil on the bed the next morning, thinking of what to do to the stolen laptop, when i heard Tega and Opopo entered the room.

“Tega i wan sell one laptop oh” I announced.

“ehen! I dey find laptop to buy sef, them don thief my laptop, where the one wey you wan sell?” He said.

“see am here” I brought out the laptop.

He looked keenly at the laptop, smiled, and said, “Flow so na you thief my laptop? Why na?”.

“you well so? I dey tell you say i wan sell laptop, you dey tell me say i thief your laptop” I replied.

“if headache dey catch you, go drink Paracetamol oh” I added. And the whole house laughed.

“i say this laptop na my own, them cut the window of Opopo motor com thief our two laptop wey we put inside” Tega said.

“when this thing happen?” I asked. “na yesterday afternoon” Opopo answered.

I remembered that Bigie had a device that could neatly cut the glass of a car, and that he had used it on Chief Livinus car in my presence.

That was when it dawned on me that Notorious BIG had done another Magic, or rather another Miracle.

“na Bigie thief una two laptop, na him give me this laptop oh” I found my lost voice.
“Bigie I go call police for you oh, where the other laptop wey you thief? Since yesterday wey i don dey tell you make you bring the laptop” Opopo met us watching Tv in Bigie’s room in the evening of the next day.

“but Bigie, shey dem swear for you, give Opopo him laptop na” Tupac told his friend Bigie.

“no be say i no wan give you, i no see the laptop, i don dey find am since yesterday” Bigie complained.

“so the laptop don fly go like bird abi?” Opopo queried.

“guy i wonder oh!” Brainbox said.

“no worry i go thief another laptop come give you” Bigie assured.

“them dey talk of the one wey you thief, you dey talk say you wan thief another one” Man took those words out of my mouth.

“no mind am, naso people wey dem dey call Bigie dey thief” Tupac said.

“naso people wey dem dey call Tupac dey f’.uck a’shawo” Bigie replied.

Woe betide me for me to interpret what “a’shawo” is. Check your dictionary.

Una no ask me why i never ask Bigie for my 4k and my Gold necklace wey him thief.

Well, i stole Opopo’s laptop from Bigie.

And sold it to my course mate Nas, he had even given me part payment.

Flow why you thief the laptop na? You would ask.

Like the Pidgin adage goes; “cunny man die, cunny man bury am”. He thought he was the only pilferer in the whole world, he never knew there is a pilfering side of every man. I had no choice but to bring out the pilfering side of me after i was inspired by Udeme.

“any of una enter this room com take laptop?” Bigie asked everyone.

“e don tay wey i enter una room, talk less of to thief laptop” Brainbox said.

“me too oh” said Man.

“Flow you nkor?” Bigie asked.

“na since last week i enter una room last” I stated.

“e don tay wey i enter una room, talkless of to thief laptop” was what Brainbox answered when Bigie asked if any of us saw the laptop. That was a Big fat lie.

He actually helped me steal the laptop from his “Colleague” Bigie. Since i knew the both of them were in the same line of business, i told Brainbox to help me steal the laptop, and that when it is being sold, he would recieve 30% share of the money.

How he managed to enter Bigie’s room, and how he stole the laptop was none of my business, after all he was Mr Brainy.

“my Inlaw na Police Officer oh, i give you from now till tomorrow afternoon, if you no give me my laptop, i go report you to my Inlaw” Opopo threatened.

“how you take know say na your laptop i thief sef?” Bigie dared.

“i don tell you oh, if i finish with you, you go know say na me run this Owerri town” Opopo threatened and left.

“e no go better for person wey thief that laptop” Bigie cursed.
“e no go better for you too, onye oshi!!” I nearly said.

“the person na fool, the person na I’diot” He continued cursing.

“Fool” and “I’diot”!! One for the master, one for the boy. I was the master, Brainbox was the boy. The latter was milder for the master.

“na you be I’diot, na your Papa be Fool” I almost said.

If Bigie was that F’at, i could imagine how F’at his father would be. Maybe his father’s nickname might be “Phatfarm” or “Fat Joe”. Or so i tot.

“dey here dey curse person wey thief the laptop, no go find the laptop, if Opopo bring Police, na that time you go know” I said to Bigie, and he left angrily.

According to Man, we would be resuming Kponkponology the next day. I was happy that atleast i would be leaving home everyday, leaving my “trouble friends” behind. Not knowing that Kponkpon was a more bitter trouble friend.

“Flow where you dey? You dey house?” the caller asked.

“i no dey house, i dey work” my tongue slipped.

“you no tell me say you don dey work na, which work be that?” the caller asked.

“mehn, i dey work part time as Deputy Supervisor for one contruction company oh” I told a lie.

“which company be that?” he was asking too many questions.

“the name of the Company na………………” I was thinking of a befitting name.

“na Chinese company oh” I informed. “ehnnnnn! Wetin be the name of the Chinese company na?” he was curious.

“the name na MI Tupacokpatalico” I figured out a perfect name.

“MI Tupacokpatalico!! Which kin name be that?” he giggled.

“nahim make me first tell you say na Chinese company na” I said.

In such situation, forming a name wasn’t difficult for me at all. The “MI” stood for “Madam Ifeoma”, and since i told him it was a Chinese name, i thought it would sound Chinese if i combined “Tupaco” and “Kpatalico” to form Tupacokpatalico.

Tupacokpatalico!! A mouthful indeed.

Imagine a stammerer trying to pronounce “Tupacokpatalico”, it would take him/her ages to pronounce, he/she might chew his/her tongue in the process.

Talking of “she”, i have never seen a “she” stammerer before. If una don see, make una tell me whether she fine or she worwor. Or is stammering a “Male only” thing? because i had seen so many Male stammerers.

Notable amongst the Male stammerers i had seen was Emmanuel. Na una say make i no dey talk tori of wetin happen when i small na, if not, Emmanuel tori for make una laf tayah.

“i no know say Chinese company dey for this Owerri oh” He doubted.

“e dey na, na new Company wey just open” I said.

“okay oh, i just wan tell you say exam timetable don come out, and Phy412 na tomorrow” He informed.

“you mean am!” I was shocked.

“i mean am na, and you know say na only you dey write that one, i no dey write am” He said what i already knew.

“you dey read so?” He asked. “yes i dey read” I answered.

I was reading in Kponkpon Site, with empty Cement sacks as my books and Shovel as my Pen.

“no wahala, that laptop wey you sell for me, i go give you the complete money next week, e get money wey i dey expect” He concluded.

“no wahala, you be my man na” I said.

“okay na, write the exam well oh” Nas advised and hung up.
Of course the exam would be written well, written with the help of Mgbo reminder a.k.a chop and clean mouth.

“Flow why you no fit read your book? Read and you go pass” I know the bookworms amongst you would ask. Well, my answer to you guys would be; “e concern una? Shebi na my toroh”.

“toroh” means Business. “shebi na my toroh” interpreted to English is “thats my business”.

That was indeed my business. My business to fail Phy412.

God forbid!! If i could pass Phy411, then i would certainly pass Phy412 which was easier. Phy411 was the 411 of Physics.

I saw the call summary that Nas spoke to me for 7minutes. “this boy get money oh, see how many minutes wey him follow me talk” I tot. He had earlier told me he wanted to start Yahoo- yahoo.

I put my phone back into the pocket of my trouser that hung on the wall in the Changing room and went to join others working.

“guys we need to chop this s’hit well well oh” Man stated.

“you and who go chop s’hit?” I said to Man.

“na all of us na” He answered and smiled.

“i no follow una oh, how i go chop s’hit? I be Dog?” I queried.

“Mumu! Chop S’hit na the name wey dem dey call the plastering work wey we go do today” Man informed.

“Chop S’hit! Which kin name be that” I said.

“na the name wey all Kponkpon workers for Nigeria dey call plastering work, abi Igbakwambo no be so?” Man turned to Igbakwambo.

“naso na, na the name na, the s’hit dey dey two type; strong s’hit and soft s’hit” Igbakwambo answered.

“but today own na strong s’hit we go mix” He added.

“which one be strong s’hit again na?” I needed to know for the records.

“that kin s’hit na the s’hit wey you no go put plenty water when you dey mix am” Ochagbuorie answered.

“na strong s’hit Madam Ifeoma say make we mix oh” Man warned.

“where she dey sef?” I asked. “she say she wan enter bank go withdraw money” Brainbox said.

I ate Four bags of s’hit that day.

Brainbox ate Three bags of s’hit, and Ochagbuorie ate Seven bags. Man and Igbakwambo were dressing the s’hit for a more handsome amount.
“Flow make una go beg Opopo oh, him don arrest Bigie” Baba jay informed us that evening.

It served him right. Or rather it served him left because he was left handed.

“Guy na Opopo inlaw be that Officer Ejunykpokpo wey come our house come ask us question that time wey Chief Ogbonna die” Baba jay informed.

“eyah!! And we no go fit do anything today, na Tomorrow we go go station go beg make them release Bigie” I said.

How i so wished Bigie would meet the dreaded Commando in the Police cell. Commando would sure change his name from Bigie to Smallie. The Fat Orobo Bigie i knew would certianly be turned into a toothbrush by Commando the Commander in Chief within a day.

I was sure Bigie would most definately pick the pockets of all the Cell inmates, that would be if they had pockets.

Well, if they weren’t having pockets, he would pick the pockets of their s’crotal sacks and steal a b’all each from them.

Fast forward……………………. Two weeks later.

I wrote Phy412 Exam joyously, all thanks to my ever present help in times of Exam fever, Mgbo reminder.

Bigie was released from the Cell with Tattoos all over his body as parting gift. Tattoos of Koboko whip. He refused giving Opopo the 50,000naira he demanded to buy another laptop, saying Opopo was a toothless Bull dog.

Few days later.

“Bigie you don die be that oh, Buccaneer boys come look for you oh” I informed Bigie who sneaked into the compound. He had been staying in his friend’s hostel for close to three weeks.

“ehnnnnnnn! My boys dey find them sef na” Bigie assured.

“who be your boys?” Man asked.

“my boys na my Aiye Brothers” He answered.

He had earlier told us that he was an “exco” in confraternity when he was still in school.

“guy, those guys carry axe and cutlass oh, them say if Tupac no find you, them go kill am” Brainbox added Kerosene to the fire i lite. Not Kerosene but Fuel, because i heard Bigie’s heart beat increased.

“make them kill Tupac na” He said that because Tupac wasn’t present.

“i no dey fear them, them be ordinary Buccaneers, me i be Omo Egede” Bigie stated.

“Omo Egede” means Black brother.

“Omo Egede my nyash!!! when Buccaneer boys dey find you, where you go? fear-fear boy” I nearly said.

Had Bigie seen the Buccaneer guys when they came, he would had either melted or frooze, or both. Everywhere was as Yellow as MTN, according to Man. They entered our compounded with axes, cutlass, i even saw one of them with a Bow and Arrow as if he was Robin hood.

“me i no go sleep for this compound today oh” Brainbox said.
“you too dey fear, na you be Bigie wey them dey find?” Man altered.

“Bigie if you like yourself, you go pack your bag run comot for this town” I said to Bigie.

“no worry, them no fit do me anything, my boys dey my back” Bigie stated.

“your boys no go save you if wahala burst oh” I warned the s’tubborn Fly.

And what did they say in pidgin about the s’tubborn Fly? “Fly wey no dey hear word dey follow dead body enter grave”

Bigie was really digging his grave. He wanted the Buccaneer and the confraternities to start a war.

The last time both confraternities battled, the scores was 18-8.

18-8 was the number of heads that reached the ground. Meaning 18heads to the leading cult, and 8heads to the losing cult. I know say Buccaneers and Aiye guys go wan know who win the battle.

Well, won Buccaneer. This happened when i was in second year in school. It was very bloody.

And i knew the war Bigie was harvesting would be bloodier.

It could be a revenge mission for Alora. Or so i tot.

Alora isn’t the short form for the herbal plant “Aloe Vera”. Pls, ask any Buccaneer member you see.

It is what the Buccaneers call themselves, just as Baggers call themselves “Aro”, and call themselves Aiye.

“ónyè tétèlè nwà Agú nò n’úràn, mgbé Agú n’abià agbàlà òsó” was my advice to Bigie.

That isn’t gibberish but an Ibo adage that means; “He that wakes a sleeping child of a Lion should not run when the Lion comes to devour him”

That was what Bigie was doing, and i prayed the Lion wouldn’t eat us all for Lunch.