Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 19
Free food…. Free p’u’s’sy… Free bed for the
night.. If na so prison dey walai some people
go sentence themselves to life imprisonment.
Make una help me check this thing out na,
even if na you, babe call you, promise you
toto, promise you food and where to crash for
the night, you go dull?
After that call my mind was just thinking of
the things I would do to her body. Spending
the night with a girl should mean “All Night
Choping” na. Well, that single thought alone
made my diicckk to do the typing for me.
Kai, every where I looked in the office, I see a
beautiful n’a’aked body staring at me. I had
to go to the restroom severally because the
cold from the AC coupled with the crazy
e;rection of my diccckk was pissing me off.
Na so so piss (no wanking oo) I just dey
piss.
“Attai, you have been smiling since”
It was my colleague. Chei, this guy wan spoil
my mood.
“Yes o. I am so happy within me.”
I answered him hoping he was going to free
me.
“What’s the source of your happiness?”
See, normally I should be ignoring the guy
but getting him angry gives me the greatest
joy. You may call me a sadist o but most
time I derive as much pleasure getting people
angry as I make them happy. Such is life. I
don’t have to please you at all times.
“I am going for an all night”
Now that answer is the best and I wasn’t
lying. I was saying the truth in black and
white.
“Wow, that’s great o. It means you have
been listening to me.”
He said. Listening to who? Me listen to you?
You go die better die.
“Yes na, I want to model my life like you. You
know what Jesus said about them white-
washed cemeteries na?”
He looked at me confusingly.
“Did Jesus make any statement?”
I shook my head. The preacher is preaching
but is not grounded. These are the kind of
people that are easily toyed with. You see
them holding a big Bible but they don’t know
nothing inside.
“You eh. So you want me to start preaching
to you eh? You are supposed to be my father
in the Lord na.”
I said to him secretly enjoying the moment.
“Just tell me. I have not come across that
part before.”
Kai, this guy no do bible study when him be
pikin ni?
“Okay, I will tell you only this one time.
According to Jesus, cemeteries are beautiful
outside but are filled with unclean things and
dead men bones inside.”
See, I suppose be pastor o, make una pay
una tithe with the number for my signature.
Don’t give something that cost you nothing
o. Be like David.
“How does that relate to this issue here?”
He asked.
“See, I want to be doing holy holy outside.
When I am in the secret, I will do my bad
things. That way I will appear righteous in
your eyes. You know I don’t trust you.
Hmmm… Woe unto the hypocrites who show
holy holy when their sin is worse than our
own o. Your hell fire no be here.”
I concluded. He just stood looking at me like
he was contemplating what to say next.
“May God forgive you.”
Now let’s move to Catholic When the Priest
mentions a blessing on the congregation
during mass, they always reply him.
“All also you.”
I replied him. He just did this “holier than
thou” face and walked into his own office.
See me o. Why this guy wan spoil my day na.
Haba, all the imaginations wey I don get for
this matter, I no sure say I go allow am spoil
am for me.
“Hello, have you closed yet?”
That was hours later o. I had not so I told
her so. But men, conji had built up to an
“insummable” level that I had to look for an
excuse to skip office. I waited till my boss
returned then squeezed my face like one who
had diarrhea. I went to knock on her office
door.
“Yes Attai.”
I did not say anything, I just stood with that
face looking at her.
“What is wrong with you?”
She asked. Now I stepped in.
“I don’t know ma o. Maybe it is this okpa.”
I answered.
“I have always warned you to always watch
the way you consume that product. You
don’t know how it is made, the water that is
used. God, you might have gotten poisoned
from it now.”
Madam release me abeg. Make the poison
kill me sake of say I come tell you?
“Take this N3,000. Treat yourself. If you are
not strong enough, you can skip work
tomorrow.”
Chei!!! The best boss ever. I thanked her.
Collected the money and walked to my table.
Picked my bag and crawled out. As soon as I
got to the lift, I was healed miraculously.
Believe in miracles ooo…
Sometimes e dey get as e dey be when nature
wan punish you. You go don put high hopes
for something finish, na so your hand go
come fall. Na wetin me I experience be that
o. But that no be wetin happen. For example
now, if person promise me money, I no dey
include am for my personal budget because
the person fit fail me.
I left the office feeling high and mighty. I felt
I had the best brain in the world. Work closes
by 6pm but I left around 5pm. My plans was
to get into the hold-up (we don’t call it
traffic in Abuja. You can spend 3hrs in a 20
minutes journey) quickly. I was singing loud
to my song, “Celebrity” which I did earlier
that month. Men, I was feeling the lame lines
I was throwing in.
I got to the bus stop. You know, they said
Goodluck Ebele Jonathan was passing, only
God knows where that guy goes to. Whenever
he is passing eh, all the roads are blocked
for security reasons. No be say the man go
even come outside come wave person self. So
no one should be standing on the bridge
beside NNPC Towers. Kai, I had to move to
Massalaci junction to get a car. Cars were
not coming, policemen had stopped all of
them. Goodluck was like 1 hour away. That
was how I waited for an hour. After Goodluck
passed, the roads were reopened. People who
had closed came to join us and we became a
crowd of people waiting for cars.
“Nyanya N150.”
Some drivers could be so wicked. Going to
Maraba is N100, Nyanya goes at same price
but everything tripled that night. Nyanya
became 150, Maraba N200. Kai…. I was
really angry. I had budgeted the money given
to me by Madam so aint no way I am
forming big boy o. I waited and waited before
this El-rufai came o. El-Rufai (Abuja) = BRT
(Lagos). Na so I push, drag, pinch before I
succeed enter inside car. Everywhere dey full
and na to stand na im remain.
Lovely comedy