She Pulled Her Pants

Read Story: SEASON 1 EPISODE 19

Free food…. Free p’u’s’sy… Free bed for the

night.. If na so prison dey walai some people

go sentence themselves to life imprisonment.

Make una help me check this thing out na,

even if na you, babe call you, promise you

toto, promise you food and where to crash for

the night, you go dull?

After that call my mind was just thinking of

the things I would do to her body. Spending

the night with a girl should mean “All Night

Choping” na. Well, that single thought alone

made my diicckk to do the typing for me.

Kai, every where I looked in the office, I see a

beautiful n’a’aked body staring at me. I had

to go to the restroom severally because the

cold from the AC coupled with the crazy

e;rection of my diccckk was pissing me off.

Na so so piss (no wanking oo) I just dey

piss.

“Attai, you have been smiling since”

It was my colleague. Chei, this guy wan spoil

my mood.

“Yes o. I am so happy within me.”

I answered him hoping he was going to free

me.

“What’s the source of your happiness?”

See, normally I should be ignoring the guy

but getting him angry gives me the greatest

joy. You may call me a sadist o but most

time I derive as much pleasure getting people

angry as I make them happy. Such is life. I

don’t have to please you at all times.

“I am going for an all night”

Now that answer is the best and I wasn’t

lying. I was saying the truth in black and

white.

“Wow, that’s great o. It means you have

been listening to me.”

He said. Listening to who? Me listen to you?

You go die better die.

“Yes na, I want to model my life like you. You

know what Jesus said about them white-

washed cemeteries na?”

He looked at me confusingly.

“Did Jesus make any statement?”

I shook my head. The preacher is preaching

but is not grounded. These are the kind of

people that are easily toyed with. You see

them holding a big Bible but they don’t know

nothing inside.

“You eh. So you want me to start preaching

to you eh? You are supposed to be my father

in the Lord na.”

I said to him secretly enjoying the moment.

“Just tell me. I have not come across that

part before.”

Kai, this guy no do bible study when him be

pikin ni?

“Okay, I will tell you only this one time.

According to Jesus, cemeteries are beautiful

outside but are filled with unclean things and

dead men bones inside.”

See, I suppose be pastor o, make una pay

una tithe with the number for my signature.

Don’t give something that cost you nothing

o. Be like David.

“How does that relate to this issue here?”

He asked.

“See, I want to be doing holy holy outside.

When I am in the secret, I will do my bad

things. That way I will appear righteous in

your eyes. You know I don’t trust you.

Hmmm… Woe unto the hypocrites who show

holy holy when their sin is worse than our

own o. Your hell fire no be here.”

I concluded. He just stood looking at me like

he was contemplating what to say next.

“May God forgive you.”

Now let’s move to Catholic When the Priest

mentions a blessing on the congregation

during mass, they always reply him.

“All also you.”

I replied him. He just did this “holier than

thou” face and walked into his own office.

See me o. Why this guy wan spoil my day na.

Haba, all the imaginations wey I don get for

this matter, I no sure say I go allow am spoil

am for me.

“Hello, have you closed yet?”

That was hours later o. I had not so I told

her so. But men, conji had built up to an

“insummable” level that I had to look for an

excuse to skip office. I waited till my boss

returned then squeezed my face like one who

had diarrhea. I went to knock on her office

door.

“Yes Attai.”

I did not say anything, I just stood with that

face looking at her.

“What is wrong with you?”

She asked. Now I stepped in.

“I don’t know ma o. Maybe it is this okpa.”

I answered.

“I have always warned you to always watch

the way you consume that product. You

don’t know how it is made, the water that is

used. God, you might have gotten poisoned

from it now.”

Madam release me abeg. Make the poison

kill me sake of say I come tell you?

“Take this N3,000. Treat yourself. If you are

not strong enough, you can skip work

tomorrow.”

Chei!!! The best boss ever. I thanked her.

Collected the money and walked to my table.

Picked my bag and crawled out. As soon as I

got to the lift, I was healed miraculously.

Believe in miracles ooo…

Sometimes e dey get as e dey be when nature

wan punish you. You go don put high hopes

for something finish, na so your hand go

come fall. Na wetin me I experience be that

o. But that no be wetin happen. For example

now, if person promise me money, I no dey

include am for my personal budget because

the person fit fail me.

I left the office feeling high and mighty. I felt

I had the best brain in the world. Work closes

by 6pm but I left around 5pm. My plans was

to get into the hold-up (we don’t call it

traffic in Abuja. You can spend 3hrs in a 20

minutes journey) quickly. I was singing loud

to my song, “Celebrity” which I did earlier

that month. Men, I was feeling the lame lines

I was throwing in.

I got to the bus stop. You know, they said

Goodluck Ebele Jonathan was passing, only

God knows where that guy goes to. Whenever

he is passing eh, all the roads are blocked

for security reasons. No be say the man go

even come outside come wave person self. So

no one should be standing on the bridge

beside NNPC Towers. Kai, I had to move to

Massalaci junction to get a car. Cars were

not coming, policemen had stopped all of

them. Goodluck was like 1 hour away. That

was how I waited for an hour. After Goodluck

passed, the roads were reopened. People who

had closed came to join us and we became a

crowd of people waiting for cars.

“Nyanya N150.”

Some drivers could be so wicked. Going to

Maraba is N100, Nyanya goes at same price

but everything tripled that night. Nyanya

became 150, Maraba N200. Kai…. I was

really angry. I had budgeted the money given

to me by Madam so aint no way I am

forming big boy o. I waited and waited before

this El-rufai came o. El-Rufai (Abuja) = BRT

(Lagos). Na so I push, drag, pinch before I

succeed enter inside car. Everywhere dey full

and na to stand na im remain.