My Instagram Love

Episode 3

With Jessica’s full consent, I finally logged in on my Instagram account with the laptop. I could see a whole lot of messages from several friends, some acquaintances and a few strangers, but I was less concerned about replying them. All I was concerned about was to strike a new conversation with my very own Tunde Ednut.

Do take note of the sarcasm above, if you don’t mind.

However, when I finally got to his Instagram profile, I realized that his current status was showing offline. Last seen: 10hrs ago. I felt disheartened– brokenhearted– numb.

“He’s offline?” Jessica’s voice startled me from behind, and she placed her hand on my shoulder, staring at the screen intently.
“Unfortunately, yes, he is.” I answered without sparing her a glance. My voice carried even more disappointment than hers did. “But maybe I should drop a message for him or something. What do you think?”
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Jessica disagreed, shifting closer to me on the bed.

“Why not?”
“Do you want him to think you’re desperate for his attention?”

“No, of course not.” I shook my head, bright-eyed. “Not exactly.”

“Then don’t do it. I’ll give you a piece of advice; just stay calm, reply other people’s messages and have fun, and when he finally comes online, he can text you by himself. Don’t be the first person who texts the other party today.”

“You still haven’t given me a good reason, though.” I said, looking at her face this time around. “Why’re you against me texting first?”

“Because it’s the ladies code. It’s like a fixed law and a tradition that has been in existence even before you were born.” Jessica explained, gesticulating with her hands. “Once a guy is aware that a lady likes him, he tends to take advantage of her emotions and treats her like utter trash. He should be the one texting you first, and not you doing that to him. Men are scumbags.”
“Correction: not all men.” I argued, smiling at her. “Next time, say most men. Don’t generalize. Besides, I’m so sorry to say this but I just have to. Jessica, this mentality of yours is too wack for a pretty lady in a modern age. I thought you were very educated and well informed?”

Before she could even open her mouth to give me a response, a pop-up notification appeared on the laptop’s top bar. Finally! A message from my imaginary Tunde Ednut.
I literally screamed and jumped for joy. “He’s online! At last.”

“Finally!” Jessica heaved a sigh of relief and shifted again, more closer than before, barely leaving an inch of space between us. “Come on, what’re you waiting for? Check it out ASAP.”

I adhered without delay. I clicked on the pop-up message and it led me straight into Prince Charming’s inbox page.

“Hello, Duchess. Good m0an!ng.”
Jessica’s facial expression changed from a stale look to a cheerful grin. So did mine.
“m0an!ng?” I replied, adding a ‘confused’ emoji. “Looks like somebody here had a very wild night indeed. Well, let me just assume that was a typographical error.”

“Oh. Not at all. I typed that on purpose.” He replied, inserting a ‘cucumber’, ‘eggplant’ and ‘water’ emoji for emphasis. “If you know what I mean.”

“This guy is mad.” Jessica could barely contain herself at the sight of his reply. She laughed so loud and tapped my back repeatedly as she did so.

“You are insane.” I sent my own response back to him, using a GIF file this time around to express my displeasure. “I don’t think you can ever change, Tunde.”

“Have I offended you, princess?”
“No, not at all. It’s just that I’m bothered.” I sent a reply as a first message, then I added in another message: “Is this how you flirt with every lady you come across?”

“Yes.” He answered to my utmost surprise. “I love women a lot, and I’m the popular Prince Charming in the fairy tales you must’ve seen, read about and heard of. What else did you expect from me?”
“He’s so full of himself.” Jessica commented, shaking her head in disgust. “Too proud of his looks.”

I laughed and answered her: “Calm down, ma. I wish you know this guy as well as I do. He’s fond of cracking jokes all the time. Don’t take anything he texts too serious.”
“This doesn’t look like a joke to me.” Jessica argued further, still shaking her head dramatically. “He’s not even that fine. Why the huge ego?”

Right there and then, I gave up on Jessica’s case. I doubted if she had ever heard these two words before, sarcasm and humor.

With a sly smile forming on my lips, I muttered my words quietly, almost in a whisper: “Just watch and see how it goes.”
Tunde and I had a lengthy chat as time went by. We discussed about anything and everything we could both think of while my best friend kept making her usual comments and gestures about how boring our chat was going. I paid no attention to Jessica’s bored expressions and concentrated more on my online conversation. At a certain point, Tunde asked about my location, and I told him immediately despite Jessica’s ardent disapproval. She was mad at me for disregarding her advice, but I was glad I did so, because Tunde’s next response made my heart leap for joy. I never knew we stayed so close to each other the whole time until we both revealed our locations.

“Wow. I know Banana Island.” He had texted in surprise. “It’s like a stone’s throw from Ikoyi. I pass there every time.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I had replied with more than ten ‘surprised’ emojis. “No way!”

Our bond waxed stronger as the clock continued ticking. With the states of origin, family descriptions and locations out of the way, Tunde asked about my academic status and I confessed to him that I was schooling from home. Online schooling to be precise. He didn’t bug me too much to go into details as I had expected he would do. Instead, he confessed that he was a graduate from the prestigious University of Lagos, having a BSc and a master’s degree in two different fields of study.

How he happens to have such certificates in his possession, I knew not, but I was quite impressed with everything he had explained. For someone to have such good certs in two distinct courses was surely something to be marvelled about, especially in this part of the world where education strives to thrive.

As the vibe kicked in more and more, Tunde told me he was a doctor at a well known hospital somewhere around Lekki, and a highly respected surgeon in the making at another branch in Ikorodu – all names withheld. Jessica and I had doubted him at first but he proved his authenticity with a couple of mind blowing pictures; one which was during a surgery, another which he was sitting on a fancy chair in his office, and the last one which was a group photo with his skilled colleagues.

To say I was impressed would be a mere understatement. I was practically tripping at this point. This guy was more than the bomb! He was a complete package of all I was looking for in a man. Common sense, in abundance. Intellect, on point. Skills, in surplus. Sense of humor, so authentic. To mention just a few of the reasons why I liked him.

He was a full course meal. A genius. A keeper. So much grace and talents trapped in one body.

“When you’re done drooling over his pictures, please let me know.” Jessica said in an indifferent tone laced with her voice. “I mean, it’s not like we didn’t have a deal which is supposed to have been closed before now anyway.”

I laughed when I grabbed the sarcasm hiding in her words. She was bored of the chats and wanted me to call him as we had agreed earlier. Without wasting further time, I asked for Prince Charming’s number and he asked a few questions before giving it to me. In return, I gave him mine without much fuss attached.

After exchanging contacts between each other, I took him by surprise and did the unthinkable. Something I wouldn’t do on a very normal day but was forced to do now because of a mere dare from a close friend. One strong policy of mine was never to call an online friend first, especially a man, but rules and policies are meant to be broken sometimes.

Sighing exasperatedly, I decided to go the extra mile and step out of my comfort zone, preparing myself for the main action.

I dialled his number, hoping I wouldn’t regret this action of mine in the near future.
Fortunately, the first ring clicked right away. I fixed it on loudspeaker just as the deal entails.

“Hello.”
“Hi.”
“Oh my God.”

Just to clear the air, the first ‘Hello’ came from me, then Prince Charming’s baritone voice said ‘Hi’ in response, and Jessica gave a gasp of astonishment, saying ‘Oh my God.’

I gaped at her, widening my eyes in plain disbelief. “Wow.” I couldn’t help it either. I just had to make that emphatic utterance to ease the effect of his spell on me.

“Wow.” Tunde exclaimed as well, sounding impressed. “You sound… quite different than I thought.”

My heart literally skipped ten beats. “In a good or a bad way?”
“In a pleasurable way.” He answered, clarifying his previous statement. “You sound so posh.”

“I could say the same about you.” I laughed, trying my best not to overreact or say anything unladylike. “You have a very nice voice and accent, Tunde. Are you faking it?”

“No!” He chipped in almost immediately. “Why would I ever do that?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps to seem more of a cool guy or something?” I suggested in a question-like manner, rolling my eyes despite the fact that he couldn’t even see me. “Your voice might be legit, but I know you’re faking the accent for sure.”
“Seriously, Lola, this is how I talk.”
“For real?”

“Absolutely. For real.”
I took a quick glance at Jessica’s facial expression. She looked like a woman who was experiencing an o—-m for the first time in her life, smiling and giggling nonstop as if she was high in the clouds. Yet she claims I was the only one ‘drooling’ over this guy?
What an irony.
“Who is there with you?”
I averted my eyes from her face and placed them back on the curtains of the window, staring into thin air. “A friend.”
“Male or female?”

I laughed. “Female, of course.”
“Together in a room?”
“Yeah. How did you know?”
“I’ve got my ways, princess.” He answered, laughing too. “So you guys have a little girl on girl thing going on in there?”
“I don’t understand.” I said, while Jessica on the other hand had burst into laughter. I could tell she understood what he meant.
“You don’t understand what I mean by girl on girl thing?” He asked quizzically.

“Honestly, I don’t.” I admitted genuinely. “Give me a little explanation.”
Tunde cut the call right then. I left my mouth agape. What effrontery!

To say I was embarrassed would be a complete understatement. I was baffled on top of that. Maybe I should’ve sticked to my rules and policies after all. Maybe I should’ve never called him. Maybe– maybe–
I was on the verge of jumping into conclusion when his message popped in on Instagram, which reads thus:
“Hey. My battery’s dead. I’m using a laptop right now.”

I read that and sighed, feeling relieved. Thank goodness I didn’t jump into conclusion too fast.

“Didn’t you charge it at all?” I replied with a ‘sad’ emoticon afterwards.
“For your information, Ikoyi and Banana Island are not the same thing. The taste is the difference—the difference is the taste.”
I burst into laughter and replied: “You’re hardly ever serious. Everything is always a joke to you.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. Lest I forget, I appreciate the call though.” Tunde thanked me in his first paragraph. In the second one, he added: “Say hi to your girlfriend for me.”

“Hello! Hi! Hola!” Jessica screamed at the top of her voice in a playful manner, raising both hands up and grinning as usual.
“First of all, don’t even mention it.” I also stated in my first paragraph and continued in the second one: “Secondly, Jessica says hi to you too. She’s head over heels in ‘lust’ with you right now.”

Jessica gaped at me and slapped my back gently, frowning her face. She whispered, “Idiot.”
“Goat.” I whispered back, sticking my tongue out in a mocking gesture.
“I’ll just pretend as if I didn’t see that.” Tunde responded again, referring to my second message with a GIF file for emphasis in order to express his lack of interest in my friend. “But I still wonder how you’d look like in real life if you can sound so posh the way you do on phone.”

“Trust me, I’m not what you expect to see in reality.”

“Because you’re too beautiful to be seen?”

“No, not that. I mean– it’s just–” I sent the message, paused for a few deep breaths, blew the air out, and sent another one when I had calmed down: “You won’t understand.”

“Well, that’s by the way.” Tunde chipped in just a few seconds after he received my messages. “I’m thinking about doing two things right now.”

“What and what could they be?”
“Firstly, I’ve been wondering about this minor issue for several months so I wanted to ask you for the answers I seek.”
“You can go on.”

“Why don’t you ever upload full pictures?”
My heart literally stopped beating at the sight of this particular message. Jessica chipped in quickly, “Don’t answer that message, Lola.”

“Why?”
“We’ve discussed about this before, haven’t we?” She said. “It’s for your own good. Don’t do it.”

I followed Jessica’s advice this time around, and told a lie instead: “Because–”
“Because?” Tunde urged me on.
“Because I just choose not to take full pictures. I prefer normal selfies.” I lied, feeling bad that I was actually lying to him of all people. “Besides, there’s no one experienced enough in this house to help me take them. I already told you I’m the only daughter. Didn’t I?”

“Yeah. True. You made mention of that.” He agreed. “But can you take one for me some other time?”

“Maybe.” I replied, looking for a way to skip this particular part of the conversation. “Which reminds me, what’s the other thing you’ve been thinking about doing?”

“YOU WON’T LIKE IT.” He warned, using bold capital letters to express the severity of his words.

“Life is all about taking risks, my dear. Please, pour out the contents of your heart.”
“Okay. First of all, are you on Skype?”
“Sure.”

“Secondly, do you have enough data bundle on your laptop?”

“Wait a minute, I never actually mentioned anything about using a laptop. How come you’re aware?”

“It’s indicating it here on my own laptop through your IP address. It’s that simple.” He clarified the mystery surrounding the air. “Now, answer the question.”

“Well, actually, yes. I have more than enough data bundle here on mine. What are you suggesting?”

“I’d like us to have a video call on Skype.” Tunde’s next message came as a total surprise package to my eyes. “Are you in or are you out?”

“Tell him yes.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes.” Jessica affirmed, nodding excitedly. “Tell him you’re in. I want to see his face and hear his actual voice so we can both conclude if he’s worth all this stress.”
I heeded Jessy’s advice again: “Great. I’m in.”

“Nice choice.” Prince Charming commended with a ‘clapping’ sticker and a ‘thumbs up’ GIF file.

With that, we both exchanged our Skype usernames and proceeded to the next phase.

I was so nervous and anxious to know what would happen next as the video call started to load, trying to establish a stable connection. I glanced at Jessy’s face and I was surprised to see her wearing her artificial glasses already, applying her lipstick as fast as she could.

“All this just to impress a stranger you barely even know?” I asked, smiling and shaking my head in a rather pitiful way.
“You know what they say about first impressions.” She smiled back at me, keeping the purple lipstick back in her handbag. “Focus on your call while I worry about my appearance.”
“Suit yourself.” I muttered and continued waiting for Prince Charming’s laptop and mine to get a good connection. Fortunately, my wishes were soon granted. The laptops were in perfect sync with each other — having a stable network — and my eyes literally popped out of their sockets due to what I saw.

I was lost for words. I was dazed– puzzled– overwhelmed with excess chills running down my spine. In all honesty, if there were other words than the regular ones I could use to describe Tunde’s charming looks, I wouldn’t even hesitate to do so. He was so handsome like some sort of celebrity I had assumed he was, particularly at first sight. Neat afro haircut, full eyebrows, small brown eyes, a pointed nose, nice and full lips and a well trimmed beard. I almost died on that spot as I took in all the details of his face.

I noticed he was sitting in a big room, judging by the king-sized bed and other remarkable furniture I could see behind him. Everywhere was squeaky clean! The walls were painted with colorful butterflies and had a couple of picture frames hanging all around them. I even saw an AC somewhere close to the ceiling fan.

Luxury. One word, one major fact. That was all I could observe about the background he was sitting in. Almost everything reeked of excess luxury.

Before any of us could open our mouths to speak, a cute little girl wearing a pajamas with Barbie doll designs on it suddenly appeared behind his office chair, peeping into the screen and whispering out loud enough to be heard:
“Daddy, daddy, daddy, who is she? Is that her?”